Everyone At Party Really Nice To Black Guy
Revelers at a party held at the residence of locals Paul Peterson and Tim Robinson were unanimously nice to lone African-American attendee Remi James, report undercover spies planted at the party.
"Remi is so cool," said resident Paul Peterson. "I think it's great that people of all races and backgrounds can get together and hang out at the same party and drink from the same keg and everything. It's a sign of how far we've come."
Peterson said that he would have been happy to run down to the liquor store and pick up a bottle of Courvoisier if that would have made James more comfortable, but found, somewhat to his surprise, that he was just as happy with the cheap beer as was his own demographic.
Not only was James' welcomed warmly, but also his every joke precipitated cachinnations and cackles of laughter.
"I didn't think I was being that funny," claimed the non-white guest of honor. "I made a crack about Jesse Jackson and the KKK, or something, and suddenly everyone bust out laughing. Then I used my old Karl Rove-Sinead O'Connor joke and they still loved it. I must have been 'on' that night."
"I loved what he said about Sinbad," gushed Peterson. "Man, that guy really wasn't funny when he was around years ago. Remi is really the next Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle."
"Or, uh, Dane Cook, or Margaret Cho," he added quickly. "The next good comedian, is my point, regardless of creed, or, you know, uh, color."
In addition, guests explained that Remi was a "hep cat", and credited him for being cool about "politics" and "race relations" while partying.
"That guy Remi is the man," affectionately stated Bob Johnson, regular with the residents. "Everyone agreed with his position on civil rights and race relations in America – we support them. Not once did anyone say anything that might accidentally make us feel guilty for being white, or Remi out of place for being black. It's just nice to see that black and white people can be chill hanging out and not let race be an issue."
The buzz about James' blackness peaked when he was given a guitar and began playing songs that revelers said were surprisingly recognizable. Critics said the performance of such international hits as Jack Johnson's 'Where'd All the Good People Go?' and Bob Marley's 'No Woman No Cry' was "awesome" and a "totally multicultural experience."
Said resident Tim Robinson of the performance: "We have people come over here and sing all the time, but nothing like Remi. You can tell by the way he got into the part of the song that goes 'No woman, no cry,' that he's got more soul in his fingernail than any of us have anywhere. It was the kind of thing that only an African-American can do, and I don't think I can ever listen to a Bob Marley song again that isn't sung by someone from Africa. I mean, you can't fake soul."
The only awkward moment of the night came when James mentioned that he had not seen "American History-X". Witnesses said that the attentive audience all rushed to inform him that he's got to see it, but that the commotion was suddenly silenced when one party-goer made the potentially-offensive and racially-charged claim that, "Edward Norton was a badass in that movie."
"Jesus, man, this isn't the 1950's," Robinson hissed to the perpetrator of the faux-pas, who was swallowing nervously and backing out of the room, muttering, "Oh God, I'm going to get hit by a drive-by." "Lock that slang down. You might as well have called Remi an Uncle Tom."
Others rushed to amend the situation by notifying James loudly and repeatedly that, "It's a totally excellent anti-racist, pro-peace, anti-hatred movie. You could totally relate to it, you should see it. And yeah, Edward Norton does a great job of acting."
The party ended with James leaving a little earlier than most revelers, to a chorus of handshakes, and overall high approval.
Immediately following James departure, Peterson's tone changed as he began to berate the remaining white guests who were also considering vamoosing.
"Johnson, you fucking faggot, sit down and have another beer," demanded the host of his departing white guest. "What, do you have to work in the morning, fag? Got to go to sleep? Get your beauty sleep? Watch your girlish figure? You homo."
Peterson would later state that the rest of the party was spent talking about Remi and the many ways that he is cool, including being "chill", "hip" and "black". He further expressed relief that he waited until James left to call Johnson a "homo".
"That probably would have been really offensive," said the homo-caller. "Blurting out 'homo' around a black person is totally insensitive, because they tend to be protective of other communities and people who are repressed. Man, I would have been a total asshole."