Man Machine-Washes Flag In Hot Water, Discovers These Colors Do Run
The suburbs of Columbia, South Carolina are normally a quiet place during the early autumn days; men take out the trash and the wenches do the cleaning. But over the past weekend, a startling discovery was made that could undo the fabric of all American patriotism.
George Benson, a man who has been referred to by friends as having "a spine of steel, and a heart of gold, and skull of courage and some metal plating," was horrified last week when he machine-washed his American flag in a normal load of laundry and destroyed all of his clothing.
"I put the flag out every morning," he said tearfully in an exclusive tearful interview with the Enduring Vision. "It don't come with no washing instructions, so I figured a healthy dose of Tide and medium-to-hot water would be safe."
However, as Benson soon discovered, it wasn't.
"He come running up the stairs, all yelling and carrying on," said his wife, Midge Benson. "I asked him, I says: 'What you all carrying on for?' He showed me all his underpants was pink and purple, and the flag was darn-near just pink, like we were now living in the damn United States of Carebears."
"I never would have thought," continued Benson through the tears. "But these colors do run."
After all the promotional posters and patriotic warmongering, in which our fearless leaders declared that These Colors Don't Run, it is no surprise that the shock of Benson's discovery reverberated so sharply through suburbia.
"If these colors run, imagine what else runs," said local Sheriff Bob Bobber. "We could be headed for another Vietnam over there in sandmonkey-ville. I say: enough is enough."
"I thought it was just them Democrats who was being pussies," said Benson's neighbor and smoking buddy, Cletus Darwin. "But I don't think so anymore. I really think our colors aren't as brassballed as they used to be. We should probably bring all our troops home."
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), whose obviously feminine name should have been an indicator long ago, agreed with Darwin: "While I have been supporting the Iraq War for over two years now, after hearing of this [color-running] incident, I must withdraw my support from the War immediately. Also, I have finally realized that evolution just makes sense."
Many left-wing groups are rallying behind the Color-Running Incident (CRI), using it as proof that the United States should force people to let the government raise their children.
"Finally, the truth is revealed," said a member of the American Liberation Front. "The CRI has shown that Bush is using this war to make profits for the stockholders in his corporation, GeorgeWBush, Inc. It is time to retaliate by instituting massive government controls over everything, because we care so much about you. You might say we're bears of caring."
President Bush sat solemnly on Friday morning as the news of the CRI was revealed to him. He looked through a children's book and then at his watch. He cleared his throat. He sat some more.
Michael Moore, who was filming the President’s reaction for one of his new documentaries, excitedly proclaimed: "See, I told you! It's time to finally become Canada!"