Local Masturbator Fails To Mention Masturbating As Hobby
Tim Stratton, 26, financial analyst of four years and masturbator of thirteen, inexplicably omitted masturbating from his list of hobbies and interests when asked by prospective girlfriend Jen Richmond of Downers Grove, Illinois, sources close to the pair indicated late last night.
Reports indicate that Stratton and Richmond, while out on their first date late Saturday night, began discussing their personal, non-work-related interests to each other soon after being seated at El Sardine French Restaurant and bar. But despite having masturbated approximately 4.5 times per week for over a decade, Stratton omitted the hobby, instead listing running, biking, hanging out with friends, going to shows, traveling, and other non-sexual activities after being asked by Richmond what his favorite hobbies and pastimes were.
Colloquial terms for the act of self-pleasure, such as "beating off", "punching the clown", or "flogging the Bishop" were also conspicuously absent from any part of the couple's conversation, which centered on how they each enjoy spending their free time.
"Given the current definition of the word 'hobby', that being, 'something one likes to do in one's spare time' (Webster's New World Dictionary, 2003), Mr. Stratton clearly had a memory lapse when he put his participation in his office's softball league far ahead of jerking his rod, which didn't even appear on the top-five list," said Adrian Dillshire, professor of English and Semantics at the University of DePaul. "Perhaps he was waiting for her to ask him what his 'habits' are, which would be, academically speaking, the more appropriate term for the near-excessive rate at which he spanks his monkey on a weekly basis."
Those close to Stratton though, find it hard to believe that he would have actually forgotten to mention the habit.
"Yeah right, he just 'forgot' that he's got tons of porn websites bookmarked and a healthy stash of Penthouse and Hustlers somewhere in his closet," Seth Bartlett, friend and former college-roommate of Stratton, sarcastically commented.
Bartlett further detailed Stratton's masturbatory habits as "a whole hell of a lot".
"Dude, his door would be locked all the time at, like, two in the afternoon," continued Bartlett. "This was before everyone had DSL and cable modems and shit, so whenever I wanted to use the phone, I'd get that screeching dial-up sound and would have to wait until he was done buttering his corn to make a call. No way did it just slip his mind last night -- he's up to something here."
Witnesses confirmed, however, that the conversation was void of any mention of self-gratification, pornography or fantasies of sexual intercourse.
"He might have been using codes," offered witness Marla Matherton, who sat at the table next to the flirting couple during their date at the French bistro. "Perhaps the words, 'how's your baked haddock?' had a double meaning or something, but with his rep as a skin flute player, you'd think he'd have brought up the issue somewhere along the line. Subjects like work, movies and music were all I heard them discuss, though. Weird."
Experts were further baffled upon the follow-up phone call from Stratton to Richmond one night after the dinner engagement during which Stratton told a story about getting stuck in traffic on the expressway, but said nothing about having cranked one off no less than an hour before picking up the phone, an act most agreed would be noteworthy, and worth mentioning.
"You don't just call someone and not say that you beat one-eyed-Willie less than sixty god damned minutes before," scoffed Bartlett. "That's just not normal."
Even when Richmond asked Stratton what he did that day, errands, working out and watching the playoffs usurped any mention of slappin' pappy.
"If he just plumb forgot, then I'll have to keep a close eye on him," noted Fred Gremley, CEO of National Fidelity Financial, where Stratton works. "Forgettin' what you had for dinner last night is one thing, but this… if he can't recall having just tied one off, he's liable to forget how to get to work, how to use the phone, or where he put the latest liability contract. Either that or he's a darn filthy liar, which is grounds for bein' booted as well, if I may be so bold."
Throughout the medical community, the preliminary diagnosis of Stratton is what is commonly called selective amnesia, otherwise known as baloneyboppingdenialism. His condition will be monitored as the relationship continues.