Hurricane Ophelia Targets Town Of Hamlet

Slow-moving hurricane Ophelia, described by many as "sitting alone" in the ocean and "singing softly to herself" for several days, is forecast to settle for over 36 hours in the North Carolina area -- specifically, the small town of Hamlet, SC, located in Denmark County.

Ophelia appears attracted toward Hamlet, which is named for a former prince who quarreled with his mother. According to the prince, his mother protested "a bit too much".

National Hurricane Center forecasters Arthur Rosencrantz and Jeffrey Guildenstern say that the storm is "queer as a three-dollar bill" and appears totally confused in its lack of direction, as well as about the state of hurricanes in general.

"Do you think Death could possibly be a this hurricane?" ruminated Rosencrantz on-air, prompting Guildenstern to reply, "No, no, no... Death is 'not.' Death isn't. Take my meaning? Death is the ultimate negative. Not-being. You can't not be in a hurricane."

"But I've frequently not been in hurricanes," frowned Rosencrantz.

"No, no," corrected Guildenstern. "What you've been is not in hurricanes."

Coastal residents reported seeing ghosts of hurricanes past -- especially Katrina -- as they watched Ophelia meander in the Atlantic. Fearing a severe hit, a palpable hit, they are concerned about a murderous storm most foul.

Long-time residents of Hamlet remember a former nearby town, Yorick, SC, which was destroyed by hurricane Hazel in the 1950s.

"Alas, poor Yorick, I knew it well," lamented Hamlet mayor Horatio Hornswoggler. "They really knew how to raise hell over there; it was a town of infinite jest."

The Hamlet mayor is reported to be indecisive about giving an evacuation order.

"To leave or not to leave, that is the question," soliloquized the mayor. "Whether 'tis nobler in the minds of men to suffer the slings and arrows of a ton of wind-blown debris, or to get the hell out of Dodge."

Hamlet's eldest citizen and resident crackpot, Paul Onius, was heard giving advice to local residents: "To thine own self be true; neither a borrower nor a lender be, and don't get caught in your bare bodkin."

The mayor, however, has been showing increasing signs of stress, up to the point of not even recognizing Ophelia; "Looks like a fishmonger to me," he said at one point.

Ophelia's winds, meanwhile, have begun to moan through the pines of the Carolina coastline. Some say the wind sounds strangely like the song "Fever", immortalized by Little Willie John and Peggie Lee, although distortion and imprecision in the sound slurs the words a bit and makes them sound like "FEMA, oh you give me FEMA in the mornin' and FEMA all through the night." Most residents say the sounds can't really mean these words, however, as FEMA is not known for showing up around hurricanes.

Meanwhile, as we go to press, the mayor, who is fond of his extensive collection of photographs, has finally decided to evacuate. "Good night, sweet prints," he said to the photos he had to leave behind.

"This thing is a tragedy, a tragedy," lamented First Mom Barbara Bush. "The state of Lee Atwater and Strom Thurmond shouldn't have to go through all this. Why couldn't it be New York instead?"

"Oh, right," she corrected herself a moment later. "Too many good rich people."

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