Mediocre Lives Interrupted By Mediocre Fuck
The mediocre lives of computer programmer Greg Zurich, 25, and office manager Sara Hewitt, 26, were momentarily and pleasantly interrupted by what both parties describe as being a "pretty standard fuck".
"Sure, it wasn't anything special," said Zurich, "but I just got laid! The worst fuck in the world is better than another night of getting high by myself and falling asleep to Conan."
The circumstances surrounding the fuck were also described as average and median, while the fuck itself was, according to both Zurich and sex-partner Hewitt, "Okay."
"I've had some better ones," said Hewitt, "but it beat trivia at BW3."
Witnesses claim that the two wound up going home from Happy's Pub together because both of their respective groups of friends had left without noticing their absence.
"A bunch of us from down the hall almost left [to go to Happy's Pub] without her that night [of the fuck]," claimed Rebecca Morton, resident of Barton Arms apartment building and acquaintance of Hewitt, "but when I saw her copy of Sarah McLaughlin's new album that she'd lent to me on my kitchen counter as I left, I remembered that we were supposed to let her know when we were going to leave."
"We just took off," said friend of Zurich's Brett Ultman. "They must have met over at the Golden Tee machine or something, because we hadn't seen Greg in, like, half an hour. We just figured he had left with that chick and was out driving around."
Though no witnesses were available to corroborate the dullness of the alleged fuck, neither of the parties involved made more than a brief mention of it to anyone after having had intercourse.
"Hey," said Zurich to co-worker Thomas Kendal as they carpooled to work on Monday, "it was like fucking a warm bag of bones, but that's cool – at least she didn't stay the night."
Trying not to respond, Kendal looked away as Zurich went on: "I gotta tell you that the only thing better than driving cars and drinking beer is driving cars, drinking beer and sex."
"Yeah, he played it down," said Kendal upon getting into work and conversing with colleagues, all aware of Zurich's mediocrity, "but sex is probably something that he doesn't get very often. Those two will probably get married, have a mediocre wedding, a mediocre house, mediocre kids and family vacations at Dover Park Water World."
Similarly, when Hewitt was seen the day after her tryst with Zurich, no post-coital glow was reported, nor was any statement taken from Hewitt herself until the following Monday when Morton asked, "So how was it?"
"She pretended we didn't know what we were talking about," claimed Morton, "but we got it out of her. Sounds like a pretty boring fuck in a world of boring fucks. Still, I'll bet it beat watching ‘Jerry Maguire' for the fiftieth time."
According to friends of Zurich, his car, his computer, his entertainment center and his lack of mastery of any one topic define his ordinary life.
"He knows a little bit about his car engine – enough to give it an oil change, maybe, and tell you how many HP it has," said Ultman, "he can tell you who the youngest Beatle was, he sounds like an expert about C-programming when talking about it to someone who couldn't give a shit, and he might be able to hold a conversation about the Cleveland Browns quarterback dilemma."
Leaning forward, Ultman rhetorically asked this reporter, "So if you had to decide if that describes an exceptional life or a mediocre one, which would you choose?"
Similarly, Hewitt's friends often describe her as, "Miss There," if she is described at all.
"She's just kind of ‘there'," claimed Morton. "And I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. Being there is a great place to be. It's better than being, you know, not."
The pastimes of both Hewitt and Zurich have also come under scrutiny for being standard at best.
"Greg gets in his car and drives around really fast, which I'm sure impresses himself, but any peanut head can do that," said neighbor Don Fredrich. "At night I'll hear the telltale sounds of his idea of an exciting night – squealing tires and Metallica jacked up all the way. Oooh! Touché!"
"I've tried to get to know Sara," said next-door neighbor Kristen Summers, "but after we've discussed the John Grisham books she's read and talked about how pretty her fish are, the conversation tends to dry up."
