Other States Flood Selves In Tribute To Louisiana
As relief efforts such as benefit concerts and silly "At least you're not Noah!" greeting cards get underway, many other states in the union are offering their own help and support to Louisiana -- which is now submerged in many areas -- by flooding themselves.
With mottos such as "Cheer up, you're not the only one!" and "We can finally relate: it sure does suck!" states like Ohio, Montana, and Arkansas are brightening the days of those stuck in the flood by showing them "human compassion and empathy", according to Montana governor Judy Martz.
"It's important for Louisianans to know they have our support, and in a more meaningful way than a standard cash donation would convey," she said, as her office rapidly filled with water from a hose piping in through the door. "Now, we are all in this together. Katrina has devastated us too."
"We're here for you, flood brothers," agreed Ohio governor Bob Taft. "In fact, I plan on drowning later today to give you as much support as I possibly can."
Pennsylvania governor Ed Rendell, already one step ahead of Taft, merely floated by.
In California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was busy using his brute strength to slowly tear the state away from the continent of North America in hopes that, once separated, it would slowly sink to the ocean floor.
"We're not going to be outdone by girly states like Louisiana," he snarled. "California can do it bigger and better than anyone."
Many states have also opened prisons and insane asylums to allow crime and looting to rise, mimicking the situation in Louisiana.
"Go on, boys," said a prison guard at Arkansas State Penitentiary lovingly, playfully swatting one of the prisoners on the rear. "Go steal a TV for me, will ya? For me and for Louisiana, God bless 'em."
His eyes filled with tears.
"Some of the guys were talking about their revenge plans or whatever, but I'm just happy to be helping things out," said one freed prisoner as he shot a passing man several times in the chest. "I've done my time, and I'm a changed man now. My country needs me."
State doctors helped out with the effort by inoculating lines of waiting people with many diseases that are expected to circulate as a result of stagnant water conditions and floating dead bodies, like cholera and typhoid fever. Some extra-giving citizens even contracted HIV.
"Once the AIDS kicks in and my immune system is out of the way, I ought to be able to have a bunch of diseases at once, and help my fellow Americans," reasoned one volunteer from Wisconsin. "We're so resilient, don't you agree? When there's trouble, we just buckle down and get diseases and get through it. I really doubt it's something that Europeans could identify with."
The government estimates that the combined effect of several states flooding and requiring relief will cost the country trillions and raise gas prices to over $98 per gallon, but a spokesman for the White House -- President Bush -- said that the benefits to be gained are more than worth it.
"Louisiana can look forward to a flood, all right: a flood of compassion," he said, beaming. "We're going to run around them real fast and create a hurricane of love. Smiles and freedom will rain down on them, and winds of --"
The President was interrupted by someone spraying him with a high-powered fire hose, knocking him 30 feet backwards and breaking his arms. But he struggled to his feet with a smile.
"Thanks!" he said. "That one was for you, New Orleans!"