Activist Group: Pledge Of Allegiance Must Contain 'Under Cthulhu'
The battle over the Constitutionality of the Pledge of Allegiance has taken a new turn recently, when the activist group Focus on the Masonic Family (FMF) brought a civil action lawsuit against the federal government for not including "under Cthulhu" in the elementary school pseudo-prayer.
"American history is steeped in the tradition of the Masonic Order," said the leader of FMF, Grand Master Albert Baker. "Many of the world's greatest thinkers -- including many of our Founding Fathers -- were proud members of the Masonic Order."
Indeed, such historic figures as Benjamin Franklin, John Hancock, John Paul Jones, Paul Revere, Colonel Benjamin Tupper, and George Washington were all active and fairly militant members of the Freemasons. Many other signers of the Declaration of Independence were Masonic-inclined, and the few remaining signers -- like known "dirty bastards" George Clymer and William Ellery -- were homosexual Satanist Muslims.
"What we [FMF] are asking is for America to recognize its roots as a Masonic nation," continued Baker. "If you look at our currency, you will see the All-Knowing Eye hovering above the ancient pyramid on the Great Seal. That Eye is an artistic representation of Larry, who is our enormous immortal pet hovering eye."
Even the Washington Monument, an enormous skyward-pointing penis in Washington D.C., is based on Masonic designs.
The Pledge of Allegiance, which was written by socialist Francis Bellamy in 1892, was revamped and rock-n-roll-ified in 1954 by President Dwight D. Eisenhower when he added the phrase "under God, Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, who rains fire down upon those bastard communist enemies of our beautiful American government." The phrase was subsequently shortened to "under God."
Said High Priestess of the Masonic Order, Angela Brownson: "To deny our children the right to know of our grand Freemasonic Founders is to deny them the right to further understand our history. All we ask is that our Evil Lord, Cthulhu, be added to the Pledge of Allegiance."
Many politicians were horrified.
"America is a Christian nation," said Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah), whose name really is Orrin. "It was founded by God-fearing Mormons and secular Mormons who believed that the Angel Moroni inspired the Constitution and the Iraq War. America was not founded by Masons. The very notion is contrary to our Christian nation's heritage."
Vice President Dick Cheney agreed. "America is a Christian nation. As a Christian nation, America was founded by Founding Fathers who wanted a Christian nation. To deny the Bible as the inspiration for our Christian nation is to be damned to eternal flame and torture in a heathen non-Christian nation, like Canada."
The FMF's lawsuit is slated to come before the Supreme Court next month. However, despite the uphill battle that awaits, the Masons are optimistic.
"One nation, under Cthulhu, with liberty and justice for all," said Grand Master Baker with tears in his eyes. "One day, children all over our Masonic nation will utter the unspeakable name of Cthulhu, The Great Old One, who lies dead but dreaming with the Yog-Sothoth, The Lurker at the Threshold, and Azathoth, The Blind Idiot God at the dark depths of the seas."
"It won’t be easy," concluded Brownson resolutely, "but soon, from the city R'lyeh -- a place of non-Euclidean madness -- the Old Ones will yet arise to cause worldwide insanity and mindless violence. Vote Nader!"