Jenny Craig Vacationers Tip Scale, Boat
A summer-time getaway ended in disaster on Tuesday when non-English speaking catering crews aboard the Crown Princess in Port Canaveral, Florida mistakenly served up an entire 20-course dinner buffet portside, tempting the dieting members on board to gorge themselves until the boat tipped.
Crew members claim to have had no prior knowledge of the strict food points system set up by the Jenny Craig diet plan, nor did they realize that the traveling group -- mostly comprised of teachers and office assistants -- would not be able to refrain from consuming 20 carcasses of pig and over 300 lbs. of mashed potatoes and gravy in one sitting.
Jenny Craig spokesperson Kirstie Alley claims that this was not entirely the fault of the gorgers, since these people "were only supposed to be allotted two pieces of wheat bread and five grapes a day for the duration of the trip."
"Apparently, someone dropped the ball," Alley said. "And when I say someone, I mean someone besides these beautiful-yet-various-stages-of-fat people, because these people cannot be accountable for themselves. It's up to our society to help see them through, so that they don't eat more drastically and become more of a burden to everyone than they already are."
Alley stressed that she speaks from experience.
"Remember when I gained all that weight and then lost it for my career?" she said. "I hope you do, because that was kind of the point."
In addition to Alley's excuses, some passengers claim that they recall the ship tilting to one side even before it set sail on Tuesday morning.
"At first, I thought it was all the Bloody Marys I drank," one man recalls. "But then we shoved off, and all hell broke loose, allowing me ample circumstance to grab some... to help some people."
Still, others on the ship at the time are convinced the misplaced buffet was to blame, not alcohol or an iceberg, or an iceberg with an alcohol problem.
"When I realized we might actually go down, I tried wresting a large drumstick away from one of them," one deckhand said, holding up what appeared to be the tattered remains of his left arm. "Hurts pretty bad."
Authorities calculated that, according to the popular diet system, each of the gluttonous gobblers had accumulated about 55,230 meal points before the boat submerged, which means, according to one Jenny Craig official, that "they should have legally been dead by the time the boat actually tilted. That they're even alive is a sheer miracle."
Two victims of overindulgence were airlifted on stretchers headed to the nearest weight loss center for stomach pumping, but disaster struck again when all of the safety cords fastened around their bodies snapped, sending them falling into the ocean and floating away.
In all, it took more than ten ambulances, three helicopters, four buses and a couple mass-casualty trailers to rescue the heavier people aboard the ship and fish out the ones who had rolled off the deck into the ocean, bobbing in the water while they waited to be picked up.
"We thought they were all giant inner tubes at first," said a rescuer of the floating objects in the water. "Then we realized we'd need a crane, 300 lean cuisines, and about 50 microwaves if we were going to pull off this rescue."
"The good thing is, fat floats." Jenny Craig spokesperson, Melissa Knolls, commented optimistically.
A fatsperson from the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (FATTY) protested news coverage of the event, claiming it to be insensitive.
"We believe that even though we are fat, people shouldn't say so," said the representative. "We are working hard on coming up with a new word that you can say instead of fat, but it has been delayed due to floor integrity issues at our last meeting."