Financial Analysts: Fed Should Cut Interest Rates to Imaginary Number i
With retail sales, exports and industrial production all enduring a deep slump, financial analysts at Goldman Sachs announced yesterday that Federal Reserve interest rates -- currently set at an historic low of 0.0%-0.25% -- are "far too high".
Wrote Goldman Sachs chief U.S. economist Jan Hatzius, "It is imperative that [Federal Reserve chairman] Ben Bernanke cuts interest rates lower in order to stimulate economic growth, which I believe would be good."
"However, since it is quite literally impossible to cut rates lower than zero, the world's lowest number, we recommend a prompt cut of interest rates to the imaginary number i."
i, which seems to be defined by a local math book as "Let i equal the square root of -1", is classified as imaginary because some scholars argue that it does not exist.
"One cannot take a square root of a negative number," stated noted Harvard mathematician Saul Krauss. "In fact, let 'x' be the sum of all numbers equal to or less than the resulting variable, 'y', of a factorial equation of all fractions between 1 and 0. Therefore, x is an infinite and undefined number. Let x be multiplied by i2. As you can see, math doesn't really make any sense."
Continued Hatzius, "At a time of unprecedented economic hardship, we are left with few alternatives. One option is to go into people's houses and steal their money, then spend it on crude oil. I like this option, but estimates put the cost of instituting a new 'Geheimgeldpolizei' [Secret Money Police] at just over $3 trillion. Therefore, the only remaining option is to cut interest rates further, specifically to the square root of -1."
In a recent column, economist and Nobel Laureate Paul Krugman applauded the new idea.
"This is a brilliant idea," wrote Krugman in the New York Times, "by which I mean it's an idea that isn't even possible. And guess what? That's brilliant."
The number i isn't without its critics; Kurt von Schleicher, political consultant to The Enduring Vision and former chancellor of the Weimar Republic, disagreed with the Sachs assessment.
"Our government is overlooking one easy solution to this mess, and it's not some mathematical nonsense," he said. "Instead, we should begin printing money to such an extravagant extent that individuals will literally have billions of dollars to spend on whatever they want, thereby stimulating the economy forever."
It's unclear whether or not Ben Bernanke or President Obama's administration will take Goldman Sachs' advice under consideration, although a spokesperson for the President said that there is a possibility that an imaginary cabinet position, Secretary of ???, could be created to deal with the portions of the financial crisis that only exist in theory.
"What is our national debt, and does anyone care?" asked the spokesperson. "These are questions that the Secretary of ??? will be more than capable of answering, probably."
The position, if created (i.e., thought of), will be filled by a pretend person of Obama's choosing, and confirmed by the Bizarro Senate.