Joking Replies To Stupid Security Questions Now Tolerated During Airport Check-In
After the hasty imprisoning of thousands of dumbass jokester travelers since the 9/11 terrorist attacks, at least four major airline carriers have announced that poorly thought-out weapons-related jokes once taken seriously by airport security will no longer be seen as any real threat to public safety.
Now, for the first time since the attacks, passengers can once again feel free to respond in kind to retarded questions without fear of being shot or arrested on site, including making remarks alluding to the packing of hand guns on trips to see in-laws, and answering "Yeah, my mother did, asshole," to the question of "Did anyone else pack your bags today?"
Having finally realized how "asinine and meaningless" their security questions were, and how poorly received they were by wary travelers who needed to pee, corporate PR departments of the airlines decided it was prudent to do away with obvious, pre-emptive inquiries altogether.
"Studies showed that mass murderers only rarely answered honestly to questions like, 'Are you attempting to hijack a plane filled with innocents this afternoon?'" Victoria Redstall, head representative for American Airlines, said. "And even then, they only did so jokingly… except that once."
"After years of trying to make it look like we were doing something meaningful to ward off terrorism, we decided to give up the guise," Redstall admitted. "I mean, apparently, it doesn't take much more than a $10 pair of nose clippers and a simple book of matches to bring down a plane. So you tell me just how we're supposed to prevent something like that with a few questions my secretary thought up, huh? She doesn't even work for me anymore."
Redstall added that passengers will still be expected to bare their feet for inspection, especially if they're wearing suspicious high heels that could contain a bomb or other explosive apparatus. "We're still not entirely trusting of the general public, especially females."
Ahmad Albed, a newby at a local terrorist training camp, concurs with airline PR people.
"Although my time to reveal my devotion to Allah and board a real-life airplane has not yet come to pass, I doubt a few measly questions would foil the plans that I spent years in my dorm room devising."
Albed, who uses his friends' toothbrushes without their knowledge if he forgets his at home, also said that, although he'd like to participate in the now-permissable joking around, he doesn't plan on doing it anytime soon.
"It's not like I don't have plenty of quick-witted, irritated responses to stupid questions like these," Albed huffs, picking a herpes scab off his lip. "I just take what I do a little more seriously than do most."
Travelers nationwide are reportedly delighted with the changes, and actually look forward to flying now.
"No, no sharp objects with me. Unless you count this!" Larry Varanelli says brightly, pulling a 12" rubber machete out of his pants and holding it up to his wife's neck.
"Oh, you stop that, Larry!" Mary Varanelli blushingly chides her husband, looking apologetically at a slack-jawed attendant. "He's such a jokester, aren't you, sweetie? Heehaw!"
17-year-old numbskull Jessica Struthers jokes freely with an unaffected check-in attendant, "No, sir. No weapons... only a dead, rotting corpse in my carry on! Hacked into the smallest pieces I could manage with such a dull blade!"
"That's right!" her boyfriend continues, "A cut-up dead body, and some lip balm I lifted off some lady in the bathroom." Smearing it on his lips, he boards the plane, announcing, "Sunscreen Chapstick tastes like shit!"
As an added bonus in recompense for the annoying inconvenience of such an insipid line of years-long security questioning, the airlines have also announced the discontinuance of lengthy "No Smoking" messages played incessantly, both in the airport and onboard the plane, acknowledging that everyone has "pretty much gotten the goddamned picture already."