Saddam's Capture Causes Safer America, End Of Terror, Elimination Of Disease
The capture of ex-dictator Saddam Hussein last week has apparently produced more positive effects than initially believed, as the Bush administration is reporting a number of extraneous benefits caused by his capture, a press conference yesterday revealed.
Hussein, who was found by U.S. forces in a "snake hole", was certainly a symbol of Iraqi resistance to American occupation, but was likely not responsible for coordinating the majority of insurgent attacks, say various reports, demonstrating that his capture was largely symbolic and carrying a relatively low amount of "real-world" ramifications. However, at the press conference, President Bush cited new trends that indicate his capture means "much, much more".
"For starters, America is much, much safer now that Mr. Hussein is in captivity," Bush said proudly. "As he wandered around Iraq, hiding from our soldiers and growing more and more disoriented and removed from his former subjects, Saddam was preparing an attack on our soil, one that probably included throwing a small pile of rocks we found near his snake hole. I know these rocks probably kept Americans up many nights these past few nights, myself included."
Bush also assured Americans that Hussein's capture means a great victory in the war against terror.
"When Saddam was captured, most of the world's terrorists shut down and instantly died," the President explained. "This is a common occurrence in terrorists when their leader, or 'mothership', is destroyed. It's all very scientific."
When asked about the possibility of finding Osama bin Laden, the man believed to be responsible for the attacks on September 11th, 2001 and arguably of more danger to the U.S., Bush seemed confused.
"Osama who?" he said, furrowing his brow. "I'm sorry, I don't recognize that name. You're probably thinking of Saddam Hussein, the man we've been after all along."
Another unexpected boon of Hussein's capture is the expected rapid decline of most of the world's diseases, according to Bush.
"Few people realized that Saddam Hussein being out there actually caused millions of people to have horrible diseases, such as AIDS, West Nile Virus, and homosexuality," he said. "With Mr. Saddam in captivity, we expect most people with those diseases to quickly cure themselves."
As expected, reaction to these latest facts concerned Saddam's capture were overwhelmingly positive.
"This is just more evidence for me that George W. Bush is the greatest President this country has ever had," stated one man. "Even better than Ronald Reagan."
"You know, I vaguely remember some other man and terrorist group being responsible for the attacks on our country and threat to our security, not Iraq," said a California woman with a puzzled look on her face. "But I guess --"
The woman was then cut off as she was abruptly run over by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in his Hummer, shouting, "You remember nothing! Shut your liberal mouth!"
And encouraging for Bush is his rising approval ratings since the capture -- a good sign for the 2004 election.
"The capture of Saddam Hussein is just enough to make me forget about Bush's economic blunders, war on false pretenses, restriction of valuable stem cell research, fostering of animosity towards America from a number of other nations, and record debt spending," said a beaming Ohio man. "What a guy!"
"Saddam Hussein was the cause of most of the world's problems," stated another man. "Now that he's caught, I expect utopia to be arriving shortly."