Rosa Parks' Lawyer: Casket Has Right To Be In Front Seat Of Hearse
In a bold statement for the civil rights of deceased African-American communists, the lawyer representing the will of late civil rights heroine Rosa Parks demanded that her casket -- and, presumably, her dead body inside -- be unburied from the ground where it was placed this past Wednesday in order to give it a new funeral procession to the cemetery, this time seated at the front of the hearse.
"Rosa Parks is an American icon," said her lawyer Rand Speare III. "She fought for the rights of Negroes to sit in the front of the bus, and even in death she's fighting for the rights of people like herself to sit in the front of any vehicle she so chooses."
Normally, the front of the hearse is reserved for the spirit of Christ Jesus, the only white man ever born to middle-eastern Jewish parents in the history of the world. Christ was outraged at Parks' demands.
"Okay, so now they want this," said The Lord angrily. "But once we let them ride in the front of the hearse, what's next? They'll be at afterlife school with your dead children, that's what’s next. They'll be sitting in the front of the class next to your dead daughters, answering all the questions and taking up all the learning."
Many wealthy, white industrialists were also unnerved by the boldness of Parks' lawyer's statement. Said President and CEO of the Lockheed Martin Corporation, Robert Stevens: "It's definitely shocking, but I think it will turn out all right. I've never seen one of those blacks in the first class cabin of an airliner, so at least we'll have the front of those for a while now."
He paused in contemplation, then smiled. "No, there was that one guy -- he was a mutt of some sort. I don't know, big flat nose and enormous lips, you know the type."
He patted his wallet firmly and we at The Enduring Vision felt vaguely awkward.
Despite the negative reaction of pretty much every white person in America, many members of the African-American Hive Brain -- which is centered around the Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton -- rallied to Parks' cause. A boycott of all hearse corporations, initiated by Jackson's Rainbow Coalition, began at 12:01am last Friday, forcing many dead bodies to hitchhike to their proper cemeteries.
"It's all so beautiful," whispered famed horror writer Stephen King as he watched some of the corpses thumbing it, tears welling up in his eyes. "I'm so happy."
Happy Hearses Unlimited, the corporation being boycotted by the Rainbow Coalition, filed for bankruptcy after 8 minutes of the boycott, citing rising fuel prices and "pissed off black people" in their driveway.
"The Collective demands justice," said the Holy Reverend Jesse Jackson at a Mobile, Alabama Baptist church. "Without justice, there ain't shit in this nation." The congregation emitted a loud "mm-hmm" noise, and some churchgoers did flips in the back.
"Without justice," continued the Reverend, "we ain't got shit in this nation. Without justice -- ladies and gentlemen, there will never be shit in this nation!"
Fireworks exploded from the altar and the church had to be evacuated.
Indeed, other members of the Hive spoke out in support of Parks. Kanye West, a well-spoken and articulate African-American, came out strongly against the Bush Administration for its involvement in Hearse Discrimination.
"Separate but equal is never equal," bellowed the marine biologist, Pulitzer Prize-winning fiction author and part-time rapper. "He locks us in caskets and buries us in the ground, and we aren't going to take it anymore. We shall overcome the Bush."
Protestors are already in the planning stages of a 1.2 Million Man March, which over 1,000 African-Americans are expected to attend.
President George W. Bush, who was "really hurt" by Kanye West's attacks, vowed to attend the march despite his reservations.
"I think one of my good friends, Colin Powell, is a colored," said the President. "And even though I have my reservations, at this great little Italian place on Philadelphia Ave, I'll probably show up anyway."
