Man Eye-Murdered By Passive-Aggressive Coworker

Pictured: John Evans.

Authorities have taken Dover, Delaware resident John Evans into custody on charges that he brutally murdered coworker Peter Kratz using "a variety of sadistic passive-aggressive techniques", according to District Attorney Lynne Graham.

"Our prosecution team will prove that Mr. Evans was quietly annoyed by Mr. Kratz, and eventually was driven to murder through nasty eye gestures, quiet speech, and overzealous false smiles of reassurance and pleasantry," she said. "This is a very sick man."

Kratz was found slumped over his desk last week, initially thought to be a victim of a heart-attack or work-related suicide by Tums overdose due to the lack of marks on his body. But an autopsy revealed ominous signs of abuse.

"His brain was saturated with Dramatine, a fluid produced as a reaction to passive-aggressive techniques," said a shaken coroner. "In addition, his ears were ruptured due to the stress of repeated loud sighs from his assailant, and he had soiled himself."

The evidence against Evans is staggering; detectives found telltale signs of assault all around his cubicle.

"Months of low-frequency soundwaves from Mr. Evans muttering to himself about Mr. Kratz caused his desk to splinter and distort," said an inspector from the scene. "This guy was a cannon waiting to go off, and it's fortunate that we caught him before he hurt any more people."

Some say Evans was apprehended in the nick of time -- police found him showing up late to a meeting in an effort to set the ground rules of the session, a passive-aggressive attack so brutal that four of the waiting coworkers had to be hospitalized. Authorities were able to apprehend him before he did further damage by making up a ridiculous excuse for his lateness.

In light of his arrest, some coworkers are now stepping forward to report incidents in which Evans passive-aggressively attacked them.

"I told him that I hadn't gotten much sleep before, and he nodded pleasantly, but then told me that he got even less sleep," recalled one woman who wished to remain anonymous for fear that she would have a party and invite Evans, only to have him show up extremely late, listing reasons why he really shouldn't have come, but did anyway, repeatedly assuring her "No, it's fine!" "Then he asked me how many total hours of sleep I had gotten in the past month, and in the past year, and he just kept one-upping me over and over. I tried to tell him okay, he was more miserable than me, but he just...he just wouldn't stop."

Homicide by passive-aggressive attack is one of the fastest-growing crimes in the United States, prompting many to long for a return to "more sane times".

"Time was, a fella didn't like you, he'd holler at you until your difference were hashed out, or maybe even smacked you around a little," said my grandfather. "And we didn't do any of this smiling business, either, on account of there's not usually much to smile about at work and everybody knows it."

"While we respect Mr. Righter's grandfather's point of view, values, and opinions, we're unsure if that's really the particular philosophy our company might embody at this point in time," said PassCo, Inc., the company where the murder occurred. "However, his contribution is important to us, and we'll continue to evaluate the paradigm as we see it necessary."

If convicted, Evans will receive a mandatory minimum jail term of 50 years, during which time he will be forced to yell at other inmates at least three times a day to prevent further incidents.

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