T-Shirt Not Old Enough To Be Ironically Funny
Aspiring hipster Martin Jordan, 17, recently invested in a red t-shirt bearing a graphic from the original Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, a children's television show that rose to popularity in the mid '90's, in hopes of it being ironically cool, much like shirts bearing graphics of the meat substitute Spam or the original version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon.
Unfortunately for Jordan, the shirt has failed to have the same effect as some of the other designs.
"I thought this shirt would be my ticket to the hipster crowd for sure, because I've never seen anyone wearing it before," he said. "I made the mistake of buying a Transformers shirt when I first saw other cool kids wearing them, but by then it was already too late, and some other kids caught on, so it ended up just making me look like a sheep, instead of someone who follows the latest hipster trends."
But Jordan's shirt was far from well-received.
"One of the cooler kids, who was wearing a green shirt with a 1-up mushroom from the original Super Mario Bros. game on the NES, asked me if I liked the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers," Jordan said, casting his eyes downward in shame. "I said no, of course not, but he just said, 'Then why are you wearing that shirt?'"
Similar reactions followed.
"One girl asked me if I was going to play with my action figures at recess, and someone else shouted, 'It's morphin' time!' at me," he said, groaning. "It was humiliating."
The insults got to Jordan, and he eventually became angry and retaliated with a snide comment of his own.
"I said to a kid with a Skeletor [villain from the 80s cartoon "Masters Of The Universe"] shirt on, 'Hey, you like that gay old cartoon?' But even that blew up in my face, because the kid just said, 'Uh, yes. It's cool.' I didn't know what to do."
Jordan believes his folly lies in the age of the original Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers series: even going by the show's very first season, it's only 11 years old.
"I guess how it works is, the stuff that's from over a decade ago is acceptable to like in an ironic way, but stuff that's much newer is not fair game yet," he reasoned. "In a way, I'm really ahead of my time in hipster fashion."
Jordan then witnessed an eight year-old boy walk by in a Spy Kids t-shirt and remarked, "Wow, he's really ahead of the curve."
However, although he may have determined the factor that doomed his t-shirt, Jordan may still have much to learn about the hipster fashion culture in general; he confesses that the actual rationale behind wearing the t-shirts, besides simply to follow the trend, remains a mystery to him.
"Like, if you wear an Atari shirt, does that mean you're actually a fan of old Atari videogames?" he wondered. "Would you be aware that they withdrew from the console business in the 90s after their Jaguar system was a commercial flop, then later had their intellectual property rights bought out by French videogame developer Infogrames?"
In light of these questions, The Enduring Vision set out to find out the philosophy behind the hipster's t-shirts, and the results were mixed at best.
"Yes, I like Atari," said one hipster when asked. "They're awesome."
When asked what his favorite Atari game was, he answered, "I don't know, I don't play videogames. But Atari is awesome."
Our reporter attempted to get the young man to explain himself further, inquiring on what basis he liked Atari if it did not have to do with the videogames they produced, but the hipster quickly grew confused.
"The question does not compute," he said, smoke beginning to pour from his eye sockets. "THE QUESTION ATARI WHERE IF ATARI=VIDEOGAMES AND I NEVER PLAYED BUT I LIKE --"
A large wire burst through his neck, interrupting him, and the interview was forced to end.
But although the true ways of the ironic hipster continue to elude Jordan, he does take comfort in the knowledge that he has an assured future as one.
"I'll just pack this baby away for safekeeping," he said with a gleam in his eye, carefully stowing the Power Rangers shirt away. "In five or ten years, I'll be the coolest guy around."