Comatose Schiavo Was Actually Sleeping, Concludes Church Autopsy
An official autopsy organized by the Catholic Priests for Life organization and performed on a clay approximation of Terri Schiavo's body revealed that the 41 year-old woman, previously believed to be in a coma caused by severe brain damage, was actually only sleeping, making her euthanasia a "huge mistake" according to organization spokesman Frank Pavone.
The church autopsy, which flies directly in the face of the scientific medical autopsy also performed on Schiavo today that concluded half of Schiavo's brain was gone by using "mysterious scientific mumbo jumbo" and "Daemon scales", is the one Schiavo's parents are trusting and the "correct one", says Pavone.
"Science," he snorted. "First they're telling us that I could not possibly be eating chunks of Jesus' flesh and sips of his delicious alcoholic blood every Sunday, now it's that a perfectly normal woman had half her brain missing and deserved to die. Well, Science: if half her brain was gone, why are you wrong?"
Having disproved the scientific autopsy, Pavone explained why the CPL's version was correct.
"In our model of Terry Schiavo, we noted that she had nostrils, and the love of Christ on her side," he said. "From this, we concluded that she was obviously sleeping for 15 years, not in a coma and not brain-missing, which can't even happen."
In fact, Pavone said, Schiavo actually died from an "atrophy of compassion" -- a hatred from her husband, who is widely rumored to be a scumbag, so intense that she grew weaker and weaker in her bed, eventually requiring a feeding tube to sustain life.
"Every time Terri was ready to wake from her nap, her husband would bend over and whisper, 'I don't like you,'" Pavone said. "Depressed, she fell back asleep, losing precious strength and life each time."
The cause of Schiavo's bed-ridden state isn't the only area where the church and the medical autopsy differ; a medical examiner concluded that Schiavo's vision centers were completely dead and she was therefore blind, while the church maintains that all her senses were present and functioning, so much so that she often performed Riverdance in the evenings when her husband was not keeping her bedridden with his glares and smarmy remarks. Fortunately for the church, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist disagrees with the medical autopsy.
"I remarked before Terri passed away that 'she certainly seems to respond to visual stimuli' -- her eyes were rolling all over the place, sometimes looking at my hand, sometimes looking at interesting patterns in the white ceiling tiles," he said. "In fact, although she did not speak, we were able to construct a basic game of wits using just our eyes, and she consistently beat me all through the night! Could a brain-dead woman do that?"
Schiavo's parents, who have argued all along that Schiavo was not really in a coma and that the 98 court rulings in opposition to them were traps set by husband Michael, accept the church's conclusion, and are now taking action to prevent Schiavo's burial, since she still may be alive.
"Our daughter is alive," Schiavo's mother maintained. "I don't need science when I can feel this in my soul, and my arteries."
"To bury Terri is to kill her again," her father said. "What kind of sick society kills people two, three, five times?"
An alarmed Congress held an emergency session to discuss whether or not they should attempt to stop Schiavo's burial, with Senator Frist leading the charge.
"Keep hope alive," he told Congress. "Terri's soul batteries are refilled if they detect hope!"