Starbucks Wins Battle With Boycotter

Coffee giant and corporate symbol Starbucks claimed victory today over anti-corporate revolutionary Chris Dumacher, 25, after years of destructive philosophical warefare in what the company described as "another step in the eventual complete assimilation."

Dumacher, who has boycotted Starbucks since 1999, gave up the fight on Friday as he finally succumbed to the smell of chemically-enhanced coffee and chocolate, entered one of the company's 8,500 stores, and ordered a tall mocha.

"Mr. Dumacher's blows were profound, and his non-buying of our product nearly drove us to sending him a coupon," said Starbucks CEO Orin Smith, "but after the long battle, we landed the decisive blow and brought Dumacher under our control."

Smith suggested that it must have been the nifty holiday decorations that lured the former-boycotter into the "heart of evil", as he had been known to call Starbucks stores.

"Those snow-covered Christmas trees are very alluring," he said.

In the past, Dumacher had cited corporate gigantism, gentrification, low-grade products, and environmental disregard as reasons to boycott the magnate -- issues which he surmised with the "corporate whore" take-off on the Starbucks logo.

"That place still sucks, don't get me wrong," said the formerly rebellious malcontent, "but after they took over all the places I used to, like, go to, it was either give in after years of fierce opposition to their malign and greedy practices or drink the shit we brew at the office."

Following the statement, Dumacher hid the special Holiday-colored to-go mug in his unzipped jacket in between sips.

"Do you think anyone saw that?" he asked before diving behind a trash can in anticipation of ridding himself of the sanguine cup after finishing the last few delectable sips.

As independent coffee shops close at a record pace, other boycotters are finding the struggle to "bring down" Starbucks to be more of an uphill fight than they had originally anticipated. Some acquaintances of the radical Dumacher have expressed disillusionment with the battle that they had waged by buying coffee, mochas, lattes and other espresso drinks only at places that would eventually be absorbed by Starbucks.

"We started out so idealistic, so innocent, so full of life," said Maggie Miller, friend of Dumacher, 26. "Back when we were in college and going to the College Town Coffee Shop, we were convinced that there was just no way that Starbucks would reel us in; nor would we work for shitty companies, get married, have children, sell out, buy cell phones, or -- "

Before Miller could finish her thought or the mocha she had purchased from Starbucks on the way home from picking her daughter up from daycare, the new mother went to investigate the burst of noise came from the crib that held her one year-old daughter Betsy.

Though officials of the world's leading coffee purveyor admit that it was a difficult war to wage against the vituperative accusations and boycotts from "troublemakers" like Dumacher, the corporation proudly announced that it wanted their recent victory to serve as an example to all those who would resist.

"You see – we all have a choice," stated CEO Smith in an address to the nation. "We can choose to get Starbucks at the kiosk in the mall, or at the corner store on your way home. Ever since our inception, Starbucks has wanted to give Americans more variety, and our efforts to give the civilized world the choice between skim or whole milk lattes will not be stymied by the likes of this former rabble-rouser [Dumacher]. The public can come along with us quietly or spend years pontificating to friends and relatives about our company not using Fair Trade coffee and all the bullshit that anyone can read off of websites that makes us sound like big meanies before giving in like a mongrel dog with its tail between its legs, and a double caramel latte latte in its hands."

Though pockets of resistance can still be found, the guerrilla tactics such as more feckless boycotts, or t-shirts sporting the scathing logo "Friends Don't Let Friends Buy Starbucks" have yet to prove effective against the corporation's advances.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: