Man's Presumptuous Voice Mail Assumes That People Actually Want To Talk To Him
Those who have his number say that the voice mail message of Vermillion Township Recreation Department superintendent Jerry Rund, which instructs callers to "leave a message and I will call you back as soon as possible" relies on the assumption that Rund would be doing a callers a favor by returning their missed call, and quickly at that.
That Rund expects that people are calling him out of a desire to speak with him is, as acquaintances have collaborated, a baseless misconception that is indicative of Rund's delusions of grandeur.
"He's wrong on a number of points," said co-worker Hoss Bruhman, who went on to list the arrogant fallacies of Rund’s expectations. "First, he thinks that you want him to call you back quickly. Second, he thinks that you want to hear back from him at all. Both are rooted in complete fiction, and he could right this wrong by making his message, 'I'm not here, which is damned lucky for you, because if I was I'd be a dumb jerk.'"
Rund's high personal regard apparently extends beyond his self-aggrandizing voice mail message and into facets like automatic "out-of-the-office" email responses and newspaper-delivery-stoppage orders.
"Holy shit, it's like that he's not around to respond to my email from now until Friday, September 22nd is a bad thing," guffawed architect Daniel Johnston, who has been in the unfortunate position of working for Rund in recent months. "The ego of this [guy] knows no bounds, and that he automatically assumes that we're trying to reach him for any reason beyond that which would inspire you to lance that festering boil is only more evidence of his complete douche-baggery."
Despite leaving a message for Rund to return, employee Dale Carhart says that he hopes for some inaccuracies or exaggerations in Rund's voice mail message, particularly the parts pertaining to "calling [the caller] back as soon as possible".
"I was planning on today sucking, but it would suck a whole lot less if he didn't call me back as he claims he's going to," Carhart snorted. "God, that would be so like him, to lie and not actually even call me back as soon as possible. Like it's even plausible to call someone back as soon as possible, when you really think about it. Man, what a dick."
Coworkers are not the only ones put off by Rund's unceasing delusions of being significant; friends and family also point out that the voice mail message reeks of assholery, even though they often wish for it.
"Off the record -- which can actually be on the record since [Jerry] doesn't read anything that I find interesting, and by extension a quote that I said -- I can say that every time I get his message, I say a quick prayer of thanks that I won't actually see him until he gets home to complain that his macaroni and cheese isn't hot enough," said wife Glenda Rund. "Well yeah, it's not hot anymore -- you should've been home at 4:30 when I made it!"
Added Rund, "It's mostly for legal reasons that I call him to see how his day is going, because unless kitty is choking on a hairball I don't really need to talk to him at all."
Though a response from Rund may not be desirable, some have admitted that it is sometimes the means to a desirable end, suggesting that his voice mail message, while audacious, is not necessarily the worst news.
"Sure, I want to get the project done, but only so that I never have to talk to Jerry ever again," reiterated Johnston. "On one hand, I guess it's a good thing that he returns my call, which might actually put us one step closer to being through working with him. But on the other hand, every day that he does not return my call makes me think that maybe he suffered a major heart attack -- or better yet, a slow, debilitating case of Lupus -- to wipe that obviously-fake veneer of friendliness off his face."
A very overstuffed and presumptuous Rund had this to say: "Thanks for the interview! "