Nation Dismayed As Suicide Bomber Destroys Thousands of Precious Gallons Of Gas, Some Iraqis

The U.S., as well as the world community at large, expressed outrage and shock as a suicide bomber in New Baghdad detonated a bomb that incinerated him and countless gallons of already scarce and costly gasoline. Also lost in the blast were upwards of 23 Iraqi civilians, mostly Shiites, which inspired some drivers to fuel their vehicles with low-grade gasoline in their memory.

"Whereas I usually fill up with premium [at $2.79 a gallon], today I'm switching to crappy ol' 87 [regular unleaded] in memory of the poor Iraqi civilians and American troops who have died defending our right to drive," said Brenda Pickford of Wheaton, IL. "I support the brave souls who are over there in harm's way, sacrificing everything they've got so I can fuel my Ford Escort with the highest quality gasoline. In honor of the dead, and coincidentally in celebration of the Lenten season, I'm going to lower myself to the likes of the peasantry and switch to regular gasoline. It's the least I can do."

As the world (i.e., the United States) struggles to adjust to the exorbitant cost of fuel, even the slightest flutter in oil stability drives prices up, which is why the latest attack on a gas station where Iraqi civilians were refilling kerosene canisters was particularly efficacious. As news of sectarian violence spreads, and ever-increasing numbers of Iraqi dead are made public, the American public continues to cringe, as thousands of gallons of gas are innocently lost every day.

"We must do something to stop the violence against gasoline in Iraq," said consumer advocate Jill Breneman. "Until prices drop below $2.00 a gallon for regular unleaded soon, we are calling for all troops to be withdrawn from Iraq."

Military and government officials insist that the violence can be contained and have urged that civilians not seek revenge on suicide bombers and attackers for harm caused to gas depots. President Bush urged calm and reason during a session with reporters.

"The terrorists are losing the war, which is why they are targeting innocent gas depots and refineries," said the President, alluding to the foiled attack on an oil facility in Abqaiq, Saudi Arabia. "The choice is peace or chaos; $2.00 or $2.79 at the pump -- the people of Iraq must decide."

Bush went on to remind Americans of the importance of oil, and that constant vigil must be kept on the protection of the highly addictive substance.

"Oil is the world's most important non-renewable resource," said Scott McClellan, White House spokesman. "We share the grief of the families of those killed along side barrels of precious petrol, but it is important to remember that Iraqis are technically a renewable resource (so long as Islam doesn't prohibit procreation), whereas oil is not."

While Americans remain mostly kind of sorry that some Iraqis and American soldiers have been dying in recent days, more and more citizens are fuming over the high gas prices.

"I remember watching little Andy down the street grow up and play Cowboys and Indians with my little boys," reminisced Pete Brownstone, contractor, of Bloomington, IN, about former neighbor and felled soldier Andrew Seiks. "I saw him transform a man all the way up until he joined the Army and was shipped out to fight in Iraq where he was killed by a roadside bomb intended to destroy the precious fuel inside the kick-ass Humvee he was driving. I would go to his funeral today, but I'll be goddamned if they didn't raise the price of gasoline again, so it looks like I'll be phoning in my regrets."

Brownstone added sadly, "Judging by the price at the pump, I'd say that Andy really did die in vain."

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