Trillions Of Potential Lives Taken
As the FDA draws closer to making a decision on whether or not emergency contraceptives, pills that can prevent a fertilized egg from beginning its development into a fetus if taken immediately after intercourse, can be sold without a prescription, the militant anti-abortion group Operation Rescue announced that it had just received some disheartening news: an estimated "36 trillion" potential lives were snuffed out yesterday alone, raising the total for 2005 to over "900 million karillion".
"The latest estimates are in, and once again America's culture of death wins big: billions of cute little future babies were killed yesterday," said Todd Dilmore, an officer for Operation Rescue. "If these 'emergency murdering murder' pills are allowed to be given out without a prescription, these numbers will only climb."
The organization's "potential death" totals come from measuring a number of sources, including the number of males who masturbated yesterday.
"Every time a man ejaculates without his penis being in some woman's vagina, an average of 66 million potential babies are lost," Dilmore said. "And you thought Hitler was bad!"
Dilmore then had to briefly excuse himself after a woman walking by in a skirt that came up to her shins caused a large popping sound from the crotch of his pants.
The group also blames the estimated millions of men and women who may have had sex yesterday, but chose not to.
"To the woman who was 'just too tired' last night or the man who 'has a very hard time achieving and maintaining an erection due to intense psychological trauma and stress caused by Operation Rescue camping out outside his house every night because he works at an abortion clinic', I have three words for you: future Einstein killer," he said. "That's right: because you were lazy or physically incapacitated, the next potential Einstein will now never be born, and thus never be able to write 'Theory of Relativity II: Jesus Does It'."
Also at fault: couples engaging in sex while using contraceptives, unattractive people who may have deterred normal people from copulating due to their libido-killing appearance, and abstinence-promoting programs in high schools, which, bizarrely, the group also supports.
"We support the idea of teaching abstinence to teenagers because it actually encourages more pregnancies than teaching them about responsible contraceptive use," Dilmore explained. "But still, the very idea of abstinence! All those potential babies, now dead by virtue of never having lived!"
Some may disagree with the group's criteria for determining a potential life, such as the fact that no woman can become pregnant with children from all 66 million sperm in a man's ejaculation simultaneously. Dilmore, though, contests that limitations like these are strictly "socially imposed".
"See, people like that have been co-opted by the liberal media and activist judges, who want women to be skinny so that they can bear as little children as possible," he said. "But if America would just embrace its obesity, we'd find that this new class of gigantic women can accommodate far more children in their cavernous stomachs than normal 'healthy' women can -- yes, even 66 million! Even more, if she eats enough!"
When told that children are not actually grown in a woman's stomach, Dilmore rolled his eyes and snorted, "Oh, my mistake. They're grown in the 'woman's ovarian magnificence bladder'."
Whatever the fate of emergency contraceptive pills, it will likely be decided soon; Senators Patty Murray and Hillary Clinton, both Democrats, have vowed to block President Bush's nomination of Lester Crawford as head of the FDA until the organization can make a decision on the pills.
"We need to hear what the FDA is going to do about this issue," Clinton shouted at a press conference. "And if they say that the pills can only be given with a prescription, we won't make a fuss!"
"Won't make a fuss!" chanted enthusiastic Democrats in the crowd. "Won't make a fuss!"