Oil Pipe Leaks, Draws Criticism For 'Sexual Imagery'
An Alaskan oil field that accounts for eight percent of U.S. crude production and is used in over 95% of the country's SUVs was shut down today after a "leaky pipe" was discovered, potential driving gasoline prices up even higher than their current rate of $46 per gallon.
But even more worrisome, say many U.S. Senators and religious leaders, is the fact that the image of the leaky pipe is "entirely too sexual" for children and hyper-sensitive Americans alike.
"I don't think I need to go into too much detail about how a thick, hard, pipe throbbing and churning with oil suddenly needing escape and leaking, leaving it limp and flaccid and shut down while you lay there unsatisfied, could be considered sexual," said Republican Senator Rick Santorum in anger. "It's pretty darned obvious that that's what we all thought of the second we heard about it."
Fellow Republican Senator Sam Brownback vigorously agreed.
"In an age where our children are logging on to MySpeef [sic] and posting nude pictures of themselves, the last thing we need is the media reporting on this whore pipe," he said. "I fail to see how this is news any more than a hooker tearing her asshole open during a furious double-penetration fuck-fest is news."
Although Brownback and other Senators admit now that they have catered to "Big Poppa Oil" in the past, they say those days are over until the industry can clean up its act.
"Now that we're clearing the air, I'd also like to complain about pipes on refineries and their emissions," said Brownback. "They can emit all they want, as long as I don't have to read about it in my Sunday paper and feel like I've just done something dirty. There has to be a kinder word to describe it, like 'Jesus' pollution stream', for example."
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, sharing the sentiments of his party, has agreed to help draft a bill that would heavily fine the oil industry and the news media for any mentioning of "oil pipe," "oil shaft", and/or "oil penis".
"I don't know what's worse: that oil prices are going to go up, or that they're bringing smut along with them," Frist said in a statement to the press. "I have to say that if I would've known expensive gas would also result in a nation full of sex fiends, I might have almost practically considered thinking about bringing up alternative energy."
But some say that although they would normally agree with the government foisting its moral code upon the general public, this is a case of making something out of nothing.
"Look, the only thing that's happened here is the American public consumed oil at a phenomenal rate, stroking the oil pipe faster and faster until, inevitably, it had to release," said Dr. Choam Nomsky, a linguistics professor at Penn State University. "My brown eyes just don't see anything particularly titillating about this."
"Give me a break," agreed Democratic Senator Harry Reid. "There is absolutely nothing sexual about hot, slippery oil."
Still, politicians like Frist say that there's no such thing as too much caution in protecting the nation's values and principles.
"Today, it's an innocuous little leaky oil pipe, but if we don't act now, tomorrow it could be a whole atmosphere full of swear words and sex dolls," he cautioned, pointing skyward as if to insinuate that it might even be happening right now. "It might even be happening right now."
When polled, the majority of Americans say they are "concerned" about sexual imagery related to fossil fuels, but "not enough to do something about it."
"Sure, I'd like to make the world safer for my children," said one man, "but eh. They'll die someday too."