Use Of Word 'Crisis' Reaches Crisis Proportions
The Bush Administration has declared the nation to be in the midst of a national emergency due to excessive use of the word "crisis". In a statement to the nation today, the President has asked citizens to refrain from referring to anything as a crisis besides certain issues, such as social security and the war on terror.
"Using this word excessively could compromise our national security and make us appear weak to foreign enemies," he warned from Europe, where he is currently on tour.
Glancing furtively around, he added loudly, "That is, the word 'shmisis'. Not 'crisis'," and winked several times at the television cameras.
The epidemic use of the word has spread from the Republican-controlled White House and Senate to the Democratic ranks, all the way down to every state and local government body, and to just about everyone else without a thesaurus.
"This crisis of crises must be met and stopped," warned Senator Mike Dewine (R- OH) during a conference on Monday. "We must confront the problem and reduce the number of crises, just as we must reduce the budget deficit, which is reaching a crisis extent as we speak."
Citizens of the United States, too, have been whipped into a frenzy by the endless use of the word "crisis" and its derivative "critical", followed closely by overuse of "epidemic", "bankruptcy", "destruction" and "total fuckjob". Various states and municipalities have declared Marshall Law and imposed curfews to help halt the spread of any more of this crazy talk.
"We're fucked, we're so fucked!" screamed Maya Young, 41, after watching the CBS evening news over dinner with her husband and two children. "There are so many crises that the only logical response is to kill ourselves!"
Upon being told by her eldest son that Daddy was out of shotgun shells, Young then screamed, "Oh, no, now we have an ammunition crisis too? Fuck! No!"
While Young's assessment of a crisis situation is questionable, topics currently identified by the government as "valid" crisis situations include social security, steroid use in baseball, the war on terror, the national budget, civil rights, nuclear proliferation, unemployment, first amendment rights, health care, oil prices, moral values, immoral values, marriage, divorce, teen drug use, teen sex, teen pregnancy, violence on TV, sex on TV, violence in videogames, sex in videogames, videogames in sex, sex in violence, sex, and the Academy's snub of Paul Giamatti for Best Actor Award for his role in hit indie film "Sideways". More are being added daily.
"Think we can get ‘crisis' status applied to the harmful effects of soy fuels and solar energy?" asked President Bush in a closed meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff, according to an anonymous source (Bob Woodward). "I sure could use a little fanaticism to work in my favor for once."
Educators have added their own spin to the dilemma, describing the critical use of the word as "A crisis in the lack of vocabulary of our young people, who cannot think of any word to describe a crisis besides ‘crisis'." Some in Washington have begun to push for extra federal spending to confront the educational crisis in the nation's schools as standardized test scores continue to decline and as a few young people are beginning to use the word to a such an extent that its original meaning is being compromised.
"Did you see that crisis on TV last night?" asked one California seventh grader excitedly. "It was so crisis, I almost crisised!"
Though Americans continue to panic and pray for the outbreak of panic to cease, things look only to be getting critically worse. When asked Americans have described their daily mood as being either "suicidally depressed", "scared shitless", or "Crisis? Crisis. Crisis!" The national outlook on the future, according to over 80% of those polled, was overwhelmingly described as "who-cares--we're-all-fucked-anyway".
"Please take shelter from this crisis until all other crises have passed," pleaded President Bush in a radio address. "Only when there are no more crises in this world will the crisis of crisis come to an end."