Some Sensationalist Bullshit That's Not True, Says Local News Report

Pictured: could carpet be killing your family?

A news report airing on a local affiliate station tonight reported highly improbable bullshit about your health, your children's health, your neighborhood, or terrorists, causing mild fear amongst many viewers.

"I first noticed this news report when they ran a preview for it during a popular show that I watch," reported one local woman. "It said, 'Can doing something that everyone does all the time every day hurt you and everyone you care about? We'll tell you tonight!'"

"I knew I had to watch," she said, and although she later fell asleep before the report actually came on, she vowed to talk about it to friends and coworkers breathlessly the next day as if she had seen it.

"Well, I saw it, and it basically confirmed that yes, if we do do this thing that we always do and that nearly the entirety of Western civilization always does, we could be at risk for something," warned one local man. "I mean, I'm not going to stop doing this anytime soon, but it does give you something to think about and watch the news for."

One citizen, Jarvis Jack, has kept up with such announcements for years and says he lives for them, carefully rearranging his life in order to keep up with the wisdom doled out from the reports.

"They tend to go in cycles -- a thing can hurt you five years ago, but be recommended today," he said. "I guess that's science for you."

No other local news stations, cable news networks, newspapers, or other media will pick up on the story, likely because "they don't want you to know about it", according to Jack.

"They even said on the news report: they're only telling us this because they want us to know what they don't want us to know about," he explained, scowling. "For some reason, they hate us and wish that we'd all die by not hearing these news reports."

Although frightened by tonight's report, many citizens also report feelings of "niceness" due to the camaraderie and light-hearted jokes exchanged between various members of the news team.

Explained one woman, "You can just tell they're all friends, and that they're basically all very nice people who care about us. I have no doubt that if their paychecks were to suddenly be cut off, they'd still be there every night, informing us because they like to."

"They're just real people, you know?" she added. "They may not seem like it from some of the things they say, but they really are."

However, not everyone appreciated tonight's report; some wished it would've dedicated more coverage to television shows that run on the network, as it sometimes does.

"Sure, you watch the shows, but it's nice to see the news just kind of giving you a gentle little reminder to keep on watching," said Jarvis Jack. "If I'm not told every single night, I might forget, and start thinking about other things."

"Things," he added ominously, "like the number of times I saw a commercial for a show on another network, and how if I see it a few more times I may watch it."

But any feelings of animosity or fear are bound to dissipate in most by morning, when the morning "wake up" news shows are on.

"Oh!" gasped one woman. "Those always cheer me up. I hope tomorrow they go to some place where little dogs are dressed in clothes, and made to look like they're putting on a play of a Kurt Vonnegut story. That's adorable!"

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