Survey: 10 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Fucking Believe It's So Hot Outside
A massive heat wave swept over the U.S. this week, particularly in California, where temperatures soared in excess of 900 degrees. But do Americans realize how hot it is?
Surveys taken by several leading polling companies confirmed that Americans, by and large, do appear to be aware of the heat, with approximately 10 out of 10 of those polled saying they had commented on the heat "more than 20 times" throughout the course of their days.
"I can't believe how fucking hot it is outside," an amazed San Diego, CA resident, Danielle Vernengo, told a cashier at Albertson's grocery store.
The man behind her agreed, commenting, "I actually don't think it's ever been this hot. I mean, sure, it's been hot before, but this is different. This is not just hot hot. This is shit hot."
When Vernengo asked, for her 32nd time today, how hot it was exactly, a child near her feet replied, "Sit hot."
"Boy, it's sure hot out today," observed a local man to a coworker.
Heath is always a concern during the heat, but most people agree that their local news is doing an excellent job of reminding them of things they normally wouldn't do to keep cool, such as "remember to drink lots of water" and "wear extra deodorant".
"I ordinarily would drink primarily transmission fluid, but you just can't take your chances in the heat," said a local resident. "The news even said."
The "indescribable" heat also has authorities are concerned.
"Children, by nature, tend to shrivel and die in the heat, so if you can help it, try not to leave your kids in the car while you go shopping," said Deputy Kasey Boekholt of the Child Awareness & Rescue (CAR) branch of San Diego Police Department. "Although you may have a child who has evolved the capabilities to withstand extreme heat, chances are you little one will appreciate the gesture."
"I thought I could just run in for a second," area mom Michelle Palmer complained, getting her hands cuffed. "They should really make a manual or something for this kind of stuff, or at least report it on the news in the morning."
Some normally-safe recreational activities also have become dangerous in light of the heat; area man Ian Calup momentarily passed out in the 110 degree heat while attending a baseball game for some ungodly reason, and had to be carried to the nearest shaded area by "irate" ambulance drivers in long polyester pants.
"Whoa," Calup exclaimed upon coming to. "I knew it was hot out, but no one told me it was shit hot. I guess I should have turned the news on or something... did I spill my beer?"
For its part, energy giant GE is promoting safety in the heat by reminding the elderly that it's important to stay cool and alive, rather than hot and dead.
"Just turn your air conditioning on," said a company representative pleasantly. "And if you do not have access to air conditioning, you should've thought of that before social security didn't give you enough money to move into some place that has it."
Strangely, conversation flow has proved stronger than normal during the outstandingly high temperatures, which have lead many people to say things they normally wouldn't be able to think of, including engaging strangers with clever witticisms like "Enjoy the heat, friend," and "Staying cool?"
"What I can't believe is how fucking hot it is outside," Tina Nguyen, a woman with an unpronounceable last name, declared. "I mean, yes, we've had seasons before. They change a couple times a year. But this time, it turned hot. Very hot. I don't think this has ever happened before in the time that man has been on this earth."