Thousands Of Albertos Ordered To Evacuate Florida
Florida, a state best known for its famous shape that makes it look to some like it's stretching away from the rest of the US, has mandated the evacuation of anyone named Alberto from the state in recognition of the similarly-named tropical storm headed towards the shore.
The evacuations, which also include variants on the name such as "Alberta" and the lesser-known "Lbert", are to "cover all bases", according to Gov. Jeb Bush.
"Listen, the Alberto the newscasters are talking about may be the tropical storm," he said. "But it may also be a person named Alberto, ready to use eco-terrorism to harm this fair state. It's not going to happen on my watch."
The Albertos will be directed into a total of 17 shelters, where they will be watched carefully and told not to make any sudden movements or drool excessively in a manner that might produce rain. Provided that tropical storm Alberto produces the high winds and dangerous weather predicted by forecasters, the Albertos will be released.
"That way, we'll know it was the storm all along," explained Bush. "It's all very simple."
Should the storm fail to produce the expected results, the Albertos will continue to be detained indefinitely at Guantanamo Bay, which has seen controversy recently due to inmate suicides, one of the only rights they are permitted. But Bush (the governor one) is unconcerned.
"Actually, if they commit suicide, that would really help us out," he said. "That could take care of future hurricanes named Alberto, or even other names if these Albertos decide to change their names to something else."
Critics have wondered if it wouldn't be easier to assume that the tropical storm is the Alberto in question, and to have citizens evacuate accordingly, then come back and wait for future storms so that they can evacuate again, as is done every year as a wonderful form of fun entertainment for Floridians. But President Bush, weighing in on the matter to help his bro, explained that this is the most fair way possible of doing things.
"Alberto is, frankly, an immigrant-sounding name," he said. "And judging by the recent debate on immigration, immigrants can cause this country a great deal of harm. So no, I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that the storms the weathermen are worrying about are going to be caused by people named Alberto and not actual storms. I also think that these people will cause a storm in our healthcare system and public schools."
Many meteorologists say that their data is being misunderstood, or "mizundastood" as is said in the scientific community.
"It's a storm, not a person," sighed one weatherman. "I'm not in the business of forecasting what people will do, unless it's my wife making another subpar meal tonight."
Both Bushs, however, are skeptical of the idea that the meteorologists know their data better than they do.
"Science," snorted one Bush, which was followed up by a hearty, "Shyeah!" from the other and an enthusiastic high five.
The tropical storm Alberto and/or a swarm of people named Alberto are expected to make landfall as early as Tuesday morning. The government has commented that it will be providing no assistance.
"We learned our lessons after last year's fiasco with New Orleans, which is why we're really striving to keep expectations in line this year," said a FEMA official. "Do not expect us to come. We will not."