Mother Of Octuplets To Feed Babies To Other Children
Nadya Suleman, the California mother of six children and a new set of octuplets, admitted today to having the eight new children in order to feed her six other starving offspring by cooking them up in a variety of tasty yet nutritious ways.
The mother of 14 said that fears of her six existing children going hungry inspired her to visit the fertility clinic, where she would be implanted with eight embryos that would someday become large and fat enough to feed a family.
"I love my kids, and all this talk about me doing it for the money is completely untrue," said Suleman. "You can't feed your kids with money, but you can feed them with other kids."
Suleman's publicist explained that the $490 in food stamps that his client receives every month is insufficient to feed a family of six, and with her plans to complete her masters' degree in counseling still only a dream, an immediate source of pabulum had to be generated.
"The human body is a renewable resource for food, if you think about it that way," said publicist Michael Furman. "Maybe the pro-choice contingent should think of that, because one dead baby in utero translates directly to the death of one living, breathing child, assuming the mother intended for the baby to one day become stew."
Environmentalists are cheering the mother's decision, stating that each devoured baby will no longer get the chance to leave a wasteful carbon footprint on the earth. This drastically reduces the impact they would have had on the earth's ecosystem, including saving the lives of thousands of innocent farm animals the children probably would have eaten during their lives.
Economists, including new Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, are also lauding the decision as "sound fiscal planning".
"My only regret is that Ms. Suleman did not bring her modest proposal to my attention -- I would have incorporated it into my new financial stability plan," he said, adding that he is looking into the possibility of baby-fueled cars and babies as currency.
Dr. Michael Kamrava, the fertility doctor who implanted Suleman, said that although he was initially skeptical about the idea, and considered inviting the young mother and her six children over for dinner so that they would not have to eat children, he ultimately decided against such a short-term solution.
"Thinking about it more, I can see the benefit in reproducing for food," said Kamrava. "It's not unlike what all parents do, which is live off their children in their old age -- Nadya is just doing the exact same thing at a more accelerated rate, and in a very literal way."
Suleman hopes that neither she nor her six older children become too attached to any of her eight babies before they can be turned to food. Consequently, she has been putting them to sleep to bedtime stories of Baby Jack And the Hungry Wolf Pack, the Dr. Seuss classic about the cyclical nature of life and death.
"I might apply 'lobster rules' to them, too -- if one manages to pinch me or scuttle away as I'm trying to prepare him, I'd say he will have earned his freedom," she said.