U.S. Economy Emits Large Farting Sound
Investors and ordinary broke people alike were surprised to hear a loud, flatulence-like noise emanate from Wall Street, where the United States economy resides, early this morning.
The sound, which eventually echoed throughout the entire nation, was accompanied by a noxious odor that one witness compared to "rotting documents soaked in gasoline, with some totally nasty rotten eggs in there too."
"A few coworkers and I were eating at a cafe close to Wall Street when the sound and stench hit us, and I was like, 'Oh, sick!'" said Marty Stalworth, who was initially taken into custody by the NYPD under the city's "he who smelt it dealt it" law. He was later released when a friend verified to police that Stalworth generally always owns up to his own farting.
The effects of the loud "brrrraraaaaappp" rapidly radiated outward, with residents in Michigan reporting hearing the sound just minutes after New York. Authorities report that several factories have emptied out as a result, and will remain closed indefinitely in case of future pseudo-gas-passage.
Scientists believe that the environment will suffer no long-term damage from the mysterious blast, although some politicians and members of the American public claim that the nation should now drill for more oil, "just in case".
"It's possible that the United States literally has too much oil underneath it, causing our economy to have gassy discomfort until we drill down there and get it out," explained Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin. "I believe the scientific term is 'DRILL BABY DRILL.'"
Others claim the sound is natural, and that if nothing is done, everything will eventually work itself out.
"I think I speak for all of us when I say that I would never go to the doctor's just because I blew my ass trombone a few times," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "Farting never hurt anybody, except when it was a sign of cancer or something, I guess. But those people probably deserved it."
"In the end," Senator McConnell concluded, "we can all live with this happening every now and then. Perhaps some people who don't have the luxury of air filtration in their homes will even grow to enjoy the smell."
Not good enough, say many of McConnell's colleagues in Congress -- they want action taken to minimize the auditory and olfactory damage done by deadly, but most definitely not silent event.
"My state is now horrifically in debt, even though yesterday, we were practically totally fine!" exclaimed California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. "All we need is a little money to help us all forget about this terrible experience, and maybe a little extra to buy ourselves a treat."
Other options being discussed include the building of a giant hand to waft the smell away from the nation's collective nose, as well as the advent of a new federal holiday, Simultaneous Air Freshener Spray Day. In the meantime, President Obama is encouraging citizens to light scented candles and remain polite.