California Proposes Legalizing Marijuana, Murder
In the wake of one of the biggest state budget showdowns in recent memory, San Francisco assemblyman Tom Ammiano proposed legislation yesterday to legalize marijuana and murder for recreational use in California.
The Board of Equalization estimated that sales of marijuana would bring the state $1.3 billion every year, while the legalization of murder would save the state $300 billion in investigation costs.
"$300 billion is nothing to laugh at," said Ammiano. "With the economy the way it is, Californians deserve the right to smoke away their problems and murder one another, as long as it saves the state money."
Marijuana, which is known in scientific circles as the Devil's Weed, is a drug renowned for its ability to drive normal citizens to the brink of insanity. A 2004 study published in the New England Journal of Medicine decisively showed that if marijuana were legalized nationwide, 299 million people would become violently ill, vomit blood, and viciously kill one another, much like in the Drug War documentary 28 Days Later. The remaining one million Americans would be so hungry from the "munchies" that they would cannibalize one another until all of the world went extinct.
"Ordinarily, we could obviously never legalize marijuana, because of the risks involved -- keeping it illegal ensures that only hardened criminals would even try to find it, let alone smoke it," Ammiano explained. "But if we legalized murder, homicides -- including those resulting from 'doobying up' a marijuana cigarette -- would be acceptable under California law."
Gail Dieringer, director of the California branch of the National Organization for the Reform of Murder Laws (NORML), applauded the proposed legislation.
"It's time for California taxpayers to stop wasting money trying to enforce murder prohibition, and to realize the tax benefits from a legal, regulated, murderous market instead," said Dieringer in a public statement. "The money we will save by not investigating these victimless murders will erase our budget deficit, control our population, and stem the tide of Mexican immigration all at once."
However, public reaction to the legislation has been mixed. While many Americans recognize the logic behind cutting back costs on investigating victimless murders, most are not sold on the safety of legalizing marijuana. The idea of legalizing the Devil Weed has angered many political leaders, Democrat, Republican and Italian alike.
"In 2005, I ruled that smoking marijuana in the privacy of one's own home is equivalent to violently disrupting interstate commerce," said Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. "So in addition to murdering, on average, at least 20 people, a person who smokes a marijuana cigarette also destroys the United States economy."
"Fortunately," Scalia added, "my ruling still stands, so our economy is safe for another day."
Despite the controversy, Ammiano remained staunch in his defense of the legislation.
"We're jonesing for money now," said Ammiano, "and there are only two options left: let the government crumble to the ground under the massive weight of its own debt, or get high and murder each other. I think the choice is clear."