Area Man Killed By Snuggie, The Blanket With Sleeves
A local man was found dead in his bed Friday morning after his Snuggie -- the blanket with sleeves -- became wrapped around his neck and violently asphyxiated him.
Although friends and family members said that Wilbur Jones had long struggled with blankets, his neighbors could hardly believe that his troubles would lead to a tragedy of such great magnitude rocking their quiet, suburban town.
"Will kept to himself, never really bothered anyone," said neighbor Bill Johnson. "I do know he had a very difficult time staying warm in the winter, what with his blanket trouble and all."
Jones' blanket trouble was often the cause of frustration around the Jones home, said his widow Joyce.
"Wilbur would wrap himself up in the blanket, only to discover that his arms were trapped inside. The blanket would slip and slide all over, leaving his toes out in the cold to be frost-bitten. And if the phone would ring, no one could answer it. Wilbur would be trapped."
While digging for electrical wiring in his back yard in late 2008, however, Jones discovered an "ancient Mayan burial shroud" that had apparently been preserved for millennia. He immediately recognized the shroud as a Snuggie from late night television commercials advertising the product.
The Snuggie, which is a blanket with sleeves, was recently recognized as the most important scientific discovery of the decade. According to his wife, once he made his discovery, Jones "immediately knew his troubles were over."
Since that time, Jones wore the Snuggie everywhere. "He wore it with him on the couch, in bed, at baseball games, in the kitchen, camping, to the movies, during sexual intercourse... he just loved it."
The Snuggie, however, did not love him in return.
While sleeping on the night of March 2nd, 2009, Jones’ neck became trapped in the Snuggie. Jones was a self-professed "drooling fiend," and the blanket, which is made of an ultra soft fleece-like material that acts like a vicious Amazonian python when wet, constricted around Jones’ neck. It killed him in seconds.
Local authorities believe the power of the Snuggie is far too great to be wielded by one man, so they plan to send Jones' Snuggie to space in a glass parallelogram called The Phantom Zone, where it will remain trapped for eternity.
"Mr. Jones' will states that he would like to be buried with the Snuggie, but given its bizarre powers, we simply can't abide by that," said a local official. "Plus, he's dead now, so who cares?"
Funeral services will be held on Friday. The family asks that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to DC Comics to construct the Phantom Zone.