U.S. Recession 'Just A Bad Dream', Says Flying Octopus Obama
The crippled state of the economy and seemingly unending employment woes are all just a bad dream, a recent study has found.
The news comes as a surprise to economic analysts and theorists who had no idea that their dire warnings about the imaginary stimulus package aren't even real, and neither are they. Government leaders are consequently encouraging the public to wake up.
"We cannot delay action, America," said President Barack Obama, taking on the form of a gigantic octopus who can fly and give you pies whenever you want them. "We need to act swiftly, which is why I am proposing a 'Morning In America, Literally' package to get Americans out of bed quickly, and end this spiraling economic failure before it gets out of hand and flying monkeys and the sensation of falling off of tall buildings becomes part of the dream as well."
Many on Capitol Hill, including Republicans, are hopeful for fiscal recovery in light of the news.
"I am happy to say that the economic crisis is nothing more than a nightmare, which is exactly what I've been saying all along," said former John McCain advisor Phil Gramm. "All that you have to do is wake up. Come on, wake up, you babies. It's all in your imagination."
The revelation could mean a sharp decrease in unemployment, as well, and Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis told the New York Times in an interview that laid-off workers should make sure they are not sleeping before going to the local unemployment office.
"It's important that we don't over-react to what might not be a problem at all," said Solis, "so we're encouraging everyone who thinks they may have been laid off to make sure that they aren't dreaming before going to collect unemployment checks and burden the taxpayers further."
"Of course, if everyone is dreaming, none of this matters anyway," she added. "I'm going to run into you with my car, and you won't even be able to move."
Citizens are also encouraged to imagine themselves flying if, in fact, they are dreaming.
"I lost my job, the bank foreclosed on my house, and I still had two kids to support," said local resident Sheila Warren. "I knew something was weird, though, when my son suddenly became my father, and I suggested that instead of driving over to my sister Christie's house that we flap our arms and fly there instead so pick up my long-dead mother on the way. It was about then that I realized that I had to be dreaming, and that by waking up I'd have everything back. What a relief."
Warren also spoke, however, of the sudden rush of memories from real-life telling her that she had neither a husband nor kids outside of her dreams.
"But at least I got to keep my house," she said.
Analysts have warned that as in Warren's case, reveille may be more dangerous than initially expected, and are suggesting that citizens consider the downsides of waking up before trying to rouse the entire nation out of the economic slumber.
"On the one hand, just by waking up, we can revert the economy to pre-2008 numbers, but the problem is that political situation will probably revert back to sometime between 2006 and 2007," said President Obama's top advisor David Axelrod. "I think I speak for most people when I say that I don't want President Obama to gently shake me awake, only to realize that it's actually crappy old President Bush."
Most Americans are optimistic about the fast turn-around that will result from waking up and going to work in a vibrant, stable economy. However, 35 percent of those polled said that they'd rather stay in a nice warm bed and not let their feet touch that cold hardwood floor.