Man Arrested For Driving Drunk On Motorized Barstool; 'Could Have Killed Hundreds', Police Say
Ohio man Kile Wygle went on what police describe as "a drunken rampage" Tuesday, crashing his personal motorized barstool and nearly killing hundreds of people in the process.
The police finally captured Wygle early Wednesday morning, as he laid on the pavement after attempting a U-turn, but subsequently falling over. He was charged with driving the stool under the influence, as well as attempted genocide.
"It was just an accident," said Wygle in an interview with CNN's Larry King. "Well, not me building and driving the stool. That wasn't an accident. And to be honest, I was kind of trying to fall over at that point, because I thought it would be cool."
The stool, which looks similar to a barstool but with wheels, has been described by police as "the most dangerous vehicle" ever invented. It is built of lightweight titanium-dipped tri-weave fibers, which makes the craft lighter and more flexible than most stools. Police also say it has spaces on the side that could conceivably accommodate four rocket-propelled grenade launchers and the words "the Death Mobile".
Wygle used the Death Mobile to travel around his hometown of Newark, Ohio, after having consumed close to 15 beers. Although nobody was hurt as he reached speeds nearing 20 miles per hour, many did report feeling that their lives were endangered by Wygle's vehicle, including several hundred children who were in the street during a parade to raise awareness about AIDS. Police say Wygle "practically ran over each one individually".
"Stools are for sittin', not drivin'," said one neighborhood man who witnessed the spectacle. "If we let people drive bar stools around, pretty soon they'll be wantin' to marry animals."
According to police, to make matters worse, Wygle may have also been high on "the reefer" at the time he was piloting his stool, which could explain his murderous tendencies and inability to control his rage.
"We have reason to believe that Mr. Wygle was driving his chariot of evil under the influence of alcohol, which is a legal drug all normal people enjoy from time to time, but also under the influence of marijuana, an illegal Mexican drug that makes normal citizens go insane," said Newark police Sergeant Barry Connell.
The Newark district attorney's office declined to comment on the case specifically, though a representative of the DA released the following statement: "What is needed to control these types of genocidal madmen is clearly to execute them. Then people will start to understand that building your own unlicensed vehicles is not acceptable, and could cost you your life."
Wygle says he plans to appeal the charges, arguing that even if a child had gotten in the way of his stool car, it's "nobody's damn business".
"I'm sorry some people don't understand what this great country of ours is all about, which is building cars out of things not meant to be cars," he said sadly. "Kids ought to be back working the mines, anyway. Nobody has any right to tell them otherwise, but they did, and now our economy is in the tank. Well, I told you so."
Wygle then passed out.