Jesus Ruins Local Family's Easter
Despite their intentions to celebrate Easter with a non-denominational get-together, over 25 members of a family in Joannesburg, Pennsylvania were made to feel uncomfortable and irritated by one relative's repeated insistence on talking about Jesus.
Several of the family members recounted their displeasure with relative Geraldine Rosenburg's "whole weird Jesus thing", as Uncle Merv described it.
"The first warning sign came when, shortly after she arrived, Geraldine pulled out a bunch of crappily-labeled CDs and told us that she had enough 'Easter sermons' to go around," Merv said. "One of the kids asked if it was some type of candy, and it just broke my heart."
"Plus, then she told him it was 'candy for his soul'," he added with disgust. "What the hell kind of four- year-old knows what candy for the soul is?"
Rosenburg's sister, Marlene Smith, says that the religious overtones even made it to the baseball game that many were watching in the family room.
"All of a sudden, out of nowhere, she says, 'Boy, it feels a little weird watching baseball right now, knowing that at this moment about 2,000 years ago, our Lord was reanimating in his grave, turning from a corpse back into a real person.'"
"Jesus Christ," Smith said, shaking her head.
Rosenburg then bent down to her eight-year-old niece, say witnesses, and asked her to imagine what it would be like to break out of her coffin after she died.
Most of the family members agree that Rosenburg's actions, which also included attributing to Jesus the moderately nice weather and the fact that her son did not see a commercial for a "violent movie" about a talking car, were easily the most awkward of the day.
"Uncle Merv got drunk and shouted at Aunt Gladys that she was 'never too busy to see shit', whatever that means," said Smith, "but I'll tell you what takes the cake for me: Geraldine taking out a notebook-sized crucifix at the dinner table and saying, 'Wow, look at that. Nails through your wrists. Look at his face, that's hurting him. I'm sure glad he did that, right, everyone?'"
Although the majority of people in the family identify themselves as religious, they prefer to exclude any spiritual overtones of Easter from their celebrations, instead sticking to what Uncle Merv calls more "normal" traditions, such as telling their children that an anthropomorphic rabbit has laid eggs all over the house.
"Look, it's Easter," he said exasperatedly. "People give shit, they get shit, the kids eat some shit, and I get to drink and watch baseball. Do we really need to bring the Lord into this? I don't even know when people started trying to make Easter about anything more than the bunny, but I guess that's the religious right for you."
Surprising some like Uncle Merv, the Pope celebrated the religious aspects of Easter today, holding an Easter Mass where he discussed the idea that perhaps one day, all of mankind will rise from their graves and form one big party of walking dead.
"I will call that day 'Easter II'," he said. "Calling it anything else is evil and terrible. You all need to listen to what I'm telling you, because Jesus can't tell you himself. He used up the last of his mystical whatnot when he reactivated his decaying cells and crawled out of his own tomb, and flew up to Heaven. It's important that we all remember this."