Protesters Poised To Teabag America
On the eve of the American national holiday Tax Day, in which millions of Americans celebrate their right to pay taxes, a small group of citizens is planning to protest. The group, called Americans for Teabagging America (ATA), has planned to object to the holiday by reenacting the Boston Tea Party all across the nation.
"Instead of throwing tea into the Boston Harbor, however, we will teabag the politicians in Washington," said George Mater, a leader of the San Jose ATA.
"We the People will say 'open wide', and then we will let them know what we think by teabagging them."
The original Boston Tea Party protested England's taxing of Americans -- including tea, believed at the time to enlarge one's penis -- without any representation in government. However, tea is now taxed normally and has nothing to do with the human wang, and all ATA members are represented by their elected officials.
"We did elect them, so it's fair in that sense," said Mater uncertainly, "but it's not fair in the sense that... goddamnit, I don't want to pay my taxes."
In fact, leading up to Tax Day, many American citizens have sent teabags to their representatives as an indication of their dissatisfaction. The arrival of the tea, which is a poison similar to anthrax, led to the evacuation of the office of U.S. Representative George Radanovich. A hazmat team was called in to the office of U.S. Rep. Carol Shea-Porter in order to save her from the effects of the tea.
America's most unbiased news source, Fox News, has applauded the protests as a way to protect American citizens from Democrats.
"I never pay my taxes," said Rupert Murdoch, CEO of News Corp (News Corp is a parent company of Fox Broadcasting company, which is a parent company of Fox News, which is a parent company of The Enduring Vision, which is not yet a parent company of anything). "In fact, my company doesn't pay taxes either. So teabagging is a great idea!"
The protests have also received some unforeseen support from the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD), which issued an official statement saying that teabagging of Washington "sounded like a fabulous time."
Unlike most politicians, former Republican Presidential candidate Ron Paul, who was once revealed by former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani to be a terrorist sympathizer, came out in open support of the teabagging.
"Maybe now, our point will be made," he said at a rally. "Maybe now, with our metaphorical testicles in the mouth's of America's politicians, they will finally start to realize that we must never again pay for anything." The 16 people gathered to listen to him cheered, and vowed to talk about his ideas on the internet when they got home.
Karen Hawkins, the Director of the IRS Office of Professional Responsibility, laughed away concerns about the protests. "People in government such as myself have never been afraid of being teabagged before," she said during a press conference, "and we are definitely not scared of being teabagged now."
Hawkins also reminded all Americans that despite blog posts to the contrary, there is no legal way to avoid paying one's taxes, a sentiment that caused George Mater to sputter in anger.
"The IRS is like a pickpocket taking money right out of my wallet," he shouted, "except that they're allowed to, because our representative government gave them that power, and it's upheld by the checks and balances provided by all three branches!"
"This can't be what the Founding Fathers had in mind," Mater said sadly.