Other States Still 'Pretty Sure' California Is Gay
Even though California's Supreme Court recently voted to uphold Proposition 8 -- which states that "marriage can only be between a man and a woman, because think about two dudes being married, that's gross, man" -- a new poll indicates that the majority of the rest of the United States believe California is actually gay.
Over 60% of respondents implicated California as a homosexual state, with 20% not sure, and 14% attempting to kill the pre-recorded question through their telephones.
How could California be a gay state despite ballot initiatives and court decisions that don't make gay people feel very gay? Dr. Richard Emmons, a sociologist at Harvard University, says that the state's actions may simply be overcompensation to try and hide its true gay nature.
"For example, I'm a very gay man, like most college professors," Emmons explained. "But when I was younger, I was scared to admit my true sexual nature to the world, so I would do everything possible to appear heterosexual, such as joining the wrestling team and giving other gay children a friendly punch now and then."
Dr. Emmons says it's possible that in the future, California may decide that banning homosexual marriage is unconstitutional -- thereby ruining heterosexual marriages forever -- as it becomes more acceptable to be gay.
"I mean, Iowa did it, and they're one of the manliest states in the union," he said. "California is really just sassily dragging its feet."
"Preposterous," countered Justin Pullman, a supporter of Prop. 8. "California is obviously heterosexual. Just look at its chiseled peaks and valleys and sensual beaches -- not to mention the impressive former physique of its current governor. I remember when I first saw [1977 documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger] 'Pumping Iron', I felt like a giddy young schoolboy again. The point is, you have no right calling me gay."
Critics of the ban on Prop. 8 say that the rights of the state's gay citizens must be respected regardless of any voter initiatives, and that the Supreme Court should have grabbed the state's constitution and ripped it in half.
"Okay, I get that California allows ballot propositions from the voters, but obviously this one doesn't count," said gay activist Martin Mondale. He says he is currently working on a ballot proposition of his own to render all ballot propositions related to gay marriage null and void.
But many in the state are celebrating the continuance of the gay marriage ban, citing it as proof that they have more money and better talking points than gay marriage supporters.
"Can you imagine a world where they have to say the word 'gay' in public schools?" asked one California parent in disbelief. "That's disgusting."
"If I had known that this country would one day even be thinking about allowing some of its citizens to have the same rights as others, I would have moved out of here when I was five years old," said another concerned California citizen. "There must be a place left on Earth where they know gay people are wrong...some place the damn Muslim terrorists haven't gotten to yet."
The fight over gay marriage in California is expected to continue, confounding some who believed that after the passage of Prop. 8, it would be over forever. The prospect of a compromise appears bleak, although Vice President Joe Biden said in a recent interview that he and the Obama administration continues to support civil unions for gay couples.
"A civil union can be just as good as marriage, without necessarily being called that," he beamed. "It's a completely separate thing, but it's equal!"