Area Man Vigorously Defends Corporation That Doesn't Care About Him
Even as many of his peers complained over high fees and ostensibly anti-competitive practices, Philadelphia native Skip Marvin stuck firm this weekend in his online messageboard defense of one of his favorite companies.
Utilizing a variety of arguments including "If you hate it so much, break your contract and go somewhere else" and "You have no idea how to run a business," the 27 year-old software developer did battle with over 100 of his fellow consumers over the company's honor and good name.
"Newsflash: the company doesn't care if any of this is 'unfair' to you. They need to maintain a certain profit margin," Marvin wrote in one amongst many messages. "If anything, you're all being unfair by complaining so much."
The corporate crusader also railed against users who take advantage of the company by participating in a large amount of its deals and promotions.
"My point is simple: those offers are to attract new customers. When existing users take advantage of them, it's almost like they're stealing from the company," Marvin explained in an exclusive interview. "I wouldn't be opposed to arresting these people for theft, or possibly grand larceny of some variety."
Although the majority of complaints centered around the company's multitude of fees and surcharges, Martin, who can easily afford them, says they are fair and reasonable.
"As I said before, this business needs to make as much profit as it can, especially before the next earnings report is out," he said. "Frankly, I feel like it's already pretty irresponsible for them to give me as many features as they do. I'd be pretty upset if I were a shareholder of some kind."
Predictably, the sentiments rubbed many people the wrong way, especially as they considered how much money the executives at the company make, a number one user estimates in the "trillions of dollars a week".
"What if their stupid CEO, like, gave all his money back to us, and we all got like $2,000?" asked one user. "I would buy a new TV, and maybe give like $200 to the credit card assholes."
The user then began a new topic called "VI$A SUCKS, STOP THESE BILLS".
Marvin's spirited denial on any unfair actions on the part of the company were met with an official statement from the firm, explaining that they hold a "vague indifference" towards the loyal customer.
"We are thrilled and impressed that Mr. Marvin is such an enthusiast of our products and brand, particularly because we don't owe him a god damn thing," read the statement. "We sincerely hope that Mr. Marvin will continue to spread the positive word about us, but if he stops, we can confirm that we will not give anything resembling a shit."
Consumers who are unhappy with the company can file a report with the Better Business Bureau; a representative from the organization promises that they will "seriously look into anything like that, oh, totally, for sure." Two giant competitors are also available to provide similar services for similar rates, but with different, catchy names.