Man Not Even Going To Make A Big Deal Out Of This
Local resident Rupert Donaldson informed friends, colleagues and the press on Thursday that he is "totally not going to make a big thing" out of the situation that he finds himself in, despite exhibiting signs of being affected by whatever it is you did.
"Man, it's totally behind me -- gone," said the 29 year-old personnel manager. "I could have, you know, gone all over the place and told everyone about the shit you pulled, but I'm just not even thinking about it anymore, okay?"
That Donaldson has gone out of his way to not blow this whole thing way out of proportion should, he says, make you glad that you have a friend like him, and not someone who would tell everyone and their brother.
Speaking at a press conference, he said, "Man, so many people would just go and blab about this to anyone they could find, and word would be all around town in no time, but I'm not like that. I can let this kind of thing just roll off my shoulder, as long as you do what you have to do as a friend to make amends."
Added Donaldson: "I mean, what you did was fucked up -- friends don't do that shit -- but it's beneath me to exaggerate it into something that it isn't, when all it is is just a little thing between friends that can be worked out in private."
Donaldson stated that he may go national in a series of print and television ads to announce that he's above letting this thing get out of hand, just so you know that he really means it. So far, however, he has stuck with mostly local and regional media to make clear that there is no problem here.
"It's important to take these things with a grain of salt, know what I mean?" stated your offended friend in a letter to the local newspaper. "A smaller person would inflate this thing until it blew up in their face, but not me. No, this is not a big deal, and as long as you appreciate what a stand-up guy I'm being, I'm willing to let this whole thing go. Totally."
You were not available for comment, and Donaldson continues to refuse to explain what it is about which a big deal is not being made. Analysts and other experts continue to review what little information is available -- mostly inconclusive -- but the local press and those close to you have mostly concluded that whatever it was must have been pretty low.
"I don't know what you did to Rupert, because he still won't tell me," said your girlfriend, "but it must have been awful. Seriously, what the fuck did you do? He's been nothing but a good friend to you, and then you do something shitty -- probably behind his back? That's just wrong, and you should apologize and pray that he even lets you hang out with him again."
"Wow, man, " said a mutual friend of your's and Donaldson's, shaking his head in disappointment. "From what I've been hearing, that little stunt you pulled is really beyond the pale. You're a lucky man that Rupert is choosing to keep this thing between the two of you."
Despite the accusations against you, Donaldson says he has maintained a conciliatory tone, and wishes that others would get over it as easily and quickly as he has.
"I mean, forget about it, right?" offered the personnel manager. "If we let all of our inter-personal problems get carried away and we told the whole world about them, no one would stay friends for very long -- am I right?"