Pilot Admits To Intentionally Crashing Small Plane Into Hudson 'For The Glory'
Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, the airline pilot acclaimed for landing US Airways Flight 1549 in the Hudson River in January 2009 after it struck several geese, admitted to crash-landing another small plane in the Hudson two days ago -- after smashing it into a helicopter -- in an attempt to "regain his fame". Nine people were killed.
In a taped confession, Sullenberger decried the speed at which his prior glory, gained after saving the lives of the passengers on the January commercial flight, disappeared.
"All the talk shows stopped calling after a few weeks," he sobbed, "and my [22-year old] girlfriend, who said I was 'totally hot' for my river landing, began straying after only three months of dating."
Sullenberger went on to say that he "blames it all on you [us]. You people picked me up and lifted me so high that there was only one place I could go: not higher any more."
It was in late June, according to the tape, when Sullenberger hatched a new plot to once again crash in the Hudson. Having lost all of his money on gambling in Atlantic City, purchasing cocaine, and other activities to maintain the high-rolling lifestyle of someone who has landed a plane safely, Sully rode the last bit of his fame into a job ferrying people around coastal New York in a small Piper plane. It offered him the perfect opportunity to crash into the river.
"One might think it's easy to crash a small plane into a moving helicopter in order to land the plane in the Hudson," said avionics expert and former NASA test pilot, Willy McGee. "However, it is not. Both objects are moving, so it's like hitting a golf ball that's moving, while you are also moving. So I guess, if I had to put it into words, it's like playing polo, or Quidditch."
A small group of New York elected officials released a statement on Monday likening the Hudson airspace to the airspace of the "wild west", which was ruled by "wild winged injuns [sic] who didn't know up from down." The group called on themselves to populate and settle the airspace in order to prevent winged Native Americans from causing further shenanigans.
In the meantime, the state will use $11 billion in federal stimulus money to hang a banner from the George Washington Bridge that tells pilots "Please Stop Putting Planes Here", with an arrow pointing to the Hudson.
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg condemned the crash-landing, which was the exact opposite of the response Sullenberger had anticipated. Instead, the mayor called for Sullenberger to "start using the damn runways" that are located at airports all across the nation.
"Just because you can land in a river, doesn't mean you should," said Bloomberg. "For God's sake, this is America, and we have pavement here."
With nine people killed, it is unclear how Sullenberger's involvement in the crash will affect his legacy. For now, however, it seems his fame has returned.
"You know, when you're out there saving lives, living your life on the edge, people want to be your friend," concluded Sullenberger on the tape. "The girls come easy, the drugs come cheap, and we all stay skinny because we just don't eat. I just want to be a rock star."
A jury later ruled Sullenberger insane on the basis that nobody of sound mind could say something as trite and idiotic as that. In a rare "future punishment" decision, they also issued five year mandatory minimum sentences to anyone who ever listens to Sullenberger's ramblings and likes them.