Area Man's Constant Complaining Finally Results In New Job, Cool House, Tons Of Money
After years of seemingly-futile, actionless complaining about his stressful job, dead-end career, small house, and lack of money, Philadelphia, PA resident Collin Barker woke up today to discover that nearly all aspects of his life have been suddenly upgraded.
Barker, who is now the CEO of Microsoft and lives in a mansion, says he believes the transformation is due to his incessant bitching.
"My strategy to get ahead in life pretty much boiled down to saying how much my life sucked to anyone who would listen to me," Barker explained from the tarmac of his private airport. "Eventually, I must've complained to the right person, because now the only thing I have to complain about is this god damn tarmac does not ALSO CONTAIN A HELIPORT LIKE I GOD DAMNED ASKED FOR."
Barker took a deep breath and added, "Sorry. I just really want a heliport, and I figure if I'm going to get it, I better start pissing and moaning now."
The newly-minted quadrillionaire recently published a self-help book -- titled What The Fuck, Why Can't I Be Rich? -- for others who want to live his dream. Upon release, it instantly became the best-selling book in human history, besting even classics like God's The Bible and Dan Brown's Hey Look, Another Secret Code About Jesus Or Whatever.
"Now, I feel like I should explain that I didn't actually write this book," Barker said. "But I did continuously remark to people that I've always felt that I could write a book. Eventually, it just kind of showed up in stores one day."
Barker's friends and family, who now no longer spend any time with him because he is rich and much better than them, vouch for his explanation of how he accumulated his incredible bitch-fueled wealth.
"There wasn't a day that went by when he didn't come home to me with a new complaint about how much of an idiot his boss was, or how he didn't get paid nearly enough for his job," explained ex-wife Alyssa Barker. "I would always say, 'That's terrible Collin, so maybe you should look for a new job,' and he'd say, 'Yes, that's a good idea,' and then drink for a while and fall asleep."
"I never thought that that would work," she said, shaking her head in wonder. "But according to his new book, that's actually the only thing that works."
"Collin was one of the laziest assholes I knew, but that didn't stop him from chewing my ear off about how out-of-shape he was, especially during times when people needed his help moving," said former friend Ronny Jeffey. "Now, as I understand it, he's one of the strongest men in the world, and he somehow grew five inches. What the fuck?"
Scientists are still examining how Barker was able to generate such good fortune without actually doing anything, but Dr. Doc Torr, lead life researcher at MIT, believes that with a little research and $975 million, they may be able to duplicate his success in the future.
"Currently, we live in a world where only the hardest-working, kindest people get to the top, but can you imagine a future where you could quickly gain everything you ever wanted just by making enough of an impression on the right person?"
"What a world that would be," said Torr, smiling wistfully. "What a wonderful world for everyone."