Local Man Not Thinking About Sex Enough
According to those around him, nearby resident Clyde Dempster does not spend nearly enough time pondering, obsessing over or talking inappropriately about sex, which has some concerned for his well-being -- as well as their own.
The lack of mention of intercourse in casual conversations with Dempster has friends and neighbors wondering what he does think about all day, and the possibilities have alarmed quite a few.
"Is he thinking about kidnapping my children?" wondered single mother Anna Bronsky, who lives down the block from Dempster and has seen him in the local coffee shop in no obvious hurry to get laid. "If he had been reading People [magazine] or something, I would have felt a little more comfortable, but a guy in a coffee shop with a newspaper in his hand and no intent of trying to get me to come home with him is someone I can't really trust."
Those acquainted with Dempster often share similar sentiments, and wonder if the unspoiled 28 year-old will ever be capable of looking down on women in a demeaning, aggressive way.
"Some hottie crossed the street in front of us just the other day, but you would've thought Clyde was gay from the way he didn't point out how hot she was," stated friend Daryl Alleman. "I did see him give her a second look as she went on her way, but whose to say he wasn't, like, admiring her or something? And not in a healthy 'Oh, I really admire the outline of that chick's panties underneath her pants,' kind of way."
"Best case scenario: he's gay," Alleman added. "Worst case, he's some kind of pervert."
Others close to him have have joined Alleman in questioning Dempster's manliness, along with his psychological health.
"In my day, all we used to do was fuck -- that's all we'd do, was fuck," said Dempster's father, Clyde Sr. "Junior might fuck here and there, but he went and got himself one of those college degrees, and now, when he isn't working, he's calling home to yap my ear off once a week. Obviously, the boy ain't doin' much fucking, which, as a father, has me more than a little concerned."
Dempster's friends and his seven brothers and sisters have tried holding interventions, with limited success. Some have even recommended that the authorities keep an eye on the abstemious young man, whose lack of overbearing sexuality may suggest violent anti-American sentiments.
"Just last year, we tried to hook him up with the skankiest, nastiest and most vile piece of ass you ever saw," said Dempster's elder brother Bob. "I mean, if you can't get some from this slut, then you ain't never getting yours. But sure enough, he wouldn't touch her; spent all his time talking to girls who you could tell weren't going to give it up without a fight. What the hell kind of game is that?"
"It's guys like him [that] end up being the next Unabomber or terrorist perpetrator," added the first son of Dempster's family. "I'm gonna call the police if he don't get laid soon, and I see it with my own eyes."
Dempster himself, however, takes exception to the allegations, claiming he likes sex just as much as the other guy, and has slept with eight, maybe nine different women, some for extended periods of time.
"Maybe there are nights when I literally just go out for a drink, and that's all," confessed Dempster, "but I'm no prude, even if I watch movies like 'Mulholland Drive' for stuff besides the [Naomi Watts/Laura Harring] lesbian scene."
"Which is awesome. And a good movie too, besides that," continued the alleged limp-dick.