Country Finally Ruined
After centuries of proclamations by citizens that "[some politician, religious group, or minority] is ruining this country", the United States finally entered a state of ruin today, dissolving all federal, state, and local governments and declaring a state of perpetual anarchy and pestilence.
Although it's difficult to pinpoint what caused America's end, one possibility is former President Barack Obama, said by many conservatives to be ruining the country mere hours before the Washington Monument exploded.
"Son of a bitch, I knew that guy would ruin this country," exclaimed one former U.S. citizen, as he and a loose group of tribal raiders began feasting upon the corpses of a rival tribe. "He passed one liberal policy too many, and before we could ward him off with another tea party protest, everything was ruined forever."
Paradoxically, another former citizen just three miles away attributed the blame to Obama's predecessor, President George W. Bush, who was shot in the face by former Vice-President Karl Rove exactly three seconds after anarchy was declared.
"No, no -- it was Bush who ruined the country, just like I always said. Ask my wife -- she'll tell you how every day, I'd come home, watch the news, and say, 'God damnit, that Bush is ruining this country,'" said the man.
His wife could not verify his story, as she had been stolen away by Native Americans, who were laughing hysterically.
In fact, citizens of what's now being called "Northern Mexico" cited over 45 million different factors as cause for the country's ruin. Strikingly, all races, religions and creeds were mentioned, suggesting that in post-America America, racism is finally gone forever.
Still, the fact that the country is now ruined has not stopped some people from continuing to make claims that certain things "are ruining this country, again."
"This ruined country is ruining this country, you know that?" complained an Awesomevania -- one of Northern Mexico's 478,578 states -- resident, tapping his son repeatedly on his shoulder. "Huh? You know that?"
"Ruining this country," he said again, shaking his head. He urinated into a library book, which are toilets in Awesomevania.
Northern Mexico -- now called Western China -- is expected to lose over 90% of its population in the next five to ten years due to the country's ruined state. Several previously-fringe groups, such as militant survivalists and libertarians, are expected to rise to new prominence in the absence of any centralized federal power, having extensively prepared for times like these in their minds.
"Whoops, you should've read my deceptive and confusing contract a little more carefully," chuckled one Western Chinaman to his horrified customer. "Now I get to kill you and eat your skin...legally."
Former President Barack Obama could not be reached for comment, although reports have indicated that he is currently trying to find a polite way of turning down a romantic invitation to Republican radio personality Glenn Beck's house.