France Supports U.S. War, Pleads For Repeal Of 'Freedom Fries'
The US House of Representatives scored a victory for their country today when the French, previously staunchly opposed to the United States going to war with Iraq, finally decided to support the war effort.
Earlier this week, "French fries" and "French toast" were renamed "Freedom fries" and "Freedom toast" in order to send a message of disapproval to France and their reluctance to support a war with Iraq. Apparently, the tactic succeeded in its purpose of creating a guilty conscience for the country, as evidenced by a French press conference today.
"We are so embarrassed and hurt by this clever move by the Americans," said the official statement from the French government, which was read at the conference, "that we will blindly follow them in their effort to bomb the shit out of Iraq."
French government spokeswoman Arielle Dupointe admitted that the United States "really won [us] over."
"Frankly, we, the French, have truly been put in our place," she said. "When Americans no longer refer to [Belgian-created] fries as 'French,' we have truly lost all dignity."
Later, at a UN conference, France made clear its intentions to not only about-face and support the war, but to actively join the US in an attack against Iraq.
"Please, please rename your fries, toast, and kissing as 'French,'" some French guy said through help of a translator, since he's too dumb and fruity to learn English, which is a fighting man's language, reported Fox News. "We promise to help kick Hussein's ass all around the Middle East."
However, though apparently victorious in their efforts to sway the French, the House of Representatives remains skeptical of their actual level of support.
"How do we know they'll actually help us out in Iraq?" asked Republican representative Bob Ney (Ohio), who instigated the omission of the "French" name of objects, along with Walter Jones (NC- R). "Maybe, we'll all go in, and the French will offer to watch our backs, but when we're all looking ahead, they'll disappear, and go eat brie and baguettes and listen to jazz. What about that, huh?"
He went on to enumerate possible dangers caused by the French, like goose liver pate getting on the weaponry, and the possibility that the French's penchant for wearing berets could get them confused with the Green Berets, perhaps single-handedly destroying the entire American army.
In addition, the French people, though quick to address the French name omission, did not directly propose to remedy things such as a Florida congresswoman's proposal to have the American government pay to exhume the remains of their war dead in Normandy and other parts of France, nor restaurateurs and wine enthusiasts alike pouring French wine down the toilet. French spokeswoman Dupointe explained that those issues are "not quite as severe".
"Well, okay, you already paid for the wine, so we suppose you can do what you like with it," Dupointe said. "And technically, the D-day cemeteries are American soil. We gave them to you, remember? Nobody visits them but American tourists, anyway. Trust us."
Still, Dupointe said, despite these minor quibbles, the US should not worry about France's newfound support...as long as the French name omission is retracted.
"Please, no more freedom fries," she pleaded. "We are completely crushed. We haven't slept since hearing about this. The balance of our country relies on you."