Muslim Clerics Say Cartoon Misrepresents Islam As Violent; Threaten Violence

Enraged Muslims around the world have expressed ire and demanded the summary executions of those responsible for drawing and publishing cartoons that depict the Prophet Mohammed and their faith at large as violent and intolerant. Protesters took to the streets burning Danish flags -- the country in which the offensive caricature originated -- and holding signs that read "Death To Those Who Insult Our Peaceful Religion" and "You Got Us Wrong -- We Are Nice People. Prepare to Die."

"Not only is it forbidden to create an image -- any image -- of the great Prophet, which is punishable by death," said Lebanese cleric Sheik Mustafa Ishtail, "but these inflammatory comics also depict the great faith of Islam as intolerant, reactionary and violent. We will seize and slit from ear to ear the throats of the infidels responsible for these misrepresentations."

The Danish and French newspapers that published the cartoons have made feeble apologies to those who have been offended, saying in a collective statement: "It was not our intention to defame the Prophet Mohammed or to paint an unflattering image of Islam, but fuck 'em if they can't take a

But despite the apology, Muslim protests against Danish products and companies have only intensified. At last report, sixteen great danes had been poisoned at kennels around Europe.

"I don't know how we're going to proceed with our new production of Hamlet," lamented Kenneth Branagh. "We may have to set the play in Iraq and depict Hamlet as Saddam's nephew. To be Danish or not to be Danish, that is the question."

World leaders, including President Bush, have also criticized the newspapers' decision to publish the insulting caricatures, saying that Jihadists, terrorists and other nutcases, as depicted in the cartoons, make up only 70-80% of the otherwise peaceful religion of Islam.

"It's a dang shame that a few evildoers are responsible for creating the stereotype that all Muslims are bloodthirsty wackos," said the President in a statement to the Associated Press. "While that isn’t really that far off the mark in general, portrayals like these cartoons are unfair to moderate, reasonable, American Muslims, who are not wackjobs with access to dynamite."

Bush ended his statement and call to peace by warning those Muslims who "hate peace, freedom and apple pie" to "get ready to taste the pure, sweet flames of righteous fury and destruction unless you stop being so sensitive, and even if you do stop, still get ready."

The President then changed topics and stated that a $10 million reward is being offered for the head of Jack Kenny, lead writer of "The Book of Daniel" in which Jesus Christ appears face-to-face with the lead character and is portrayed as a feckless milquetoast.

The U.S. also addressed the controversy by adding Danish people to the Axis of Evil, "just to be on the safe side" according to one Homeland Security operative. Groups of suspected terrorists have even been spotted in Manhattan, standing in clusters at Dean & Deluca. Everyone ordering a danish has been followed to their destination and their address jotted down.

When Dean & Deluca complained to the New York City Police, they were gratified to learn that it was just the NSA tracking the activities of terrorist gourmands.

Moderate Muslim leaders have suggested that terrorists and jihadists are partially to blame for the misconception of Islam as a violent and heated religion, a charge that terrorists and jihadists vehemently deny. Speaking in front of a black screen and dressed in a white robe, a masked and anonymous jihadist leader made the following statement in a video tape aired by Al-Jazeera: "It is the goal of every Muslim to live in a world that is peaceful and God-serving, and to that end we will bomb and terrorize the infidel nations that suggest that we are anything less than a God-fearing, peace-loving people. God willing, you will all die in a conflagration of fire and despair, all in the name of the Peaceful Almighty Allah."

Meanwhile, Some more radical clerics have promised to launch a campaign of awareness and information to help educate the misinformed public about the true nature of Islam. Tools to helping the world at large better understand the second largest world religion include informational fliers, community functions, and instant death to those who do not convert immediately.

"Islam is a dangerous religion only to those that aren't part of it," said Sheik Yusuf Omran of Syria, "so with a series of educational courses, fun and informative games and intimidation through the threat of violent death, we hope to reach everyone and convert them to our irenic faith before we are forced to drop a dirty bomb on a major American metropolitan area, God willing."

Those already happy with their current religion, such as Christians both Protestant and Catholic, shot back that faith should not be something that an individual must be coerced into.

"As far as I know, every Christian in history happily picked that religion of their own free will, without any intimidation or threats," said one Tennessee resident angrily. "And I sure as hell don't ever remember hearing about no Christian crusades."

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