Clinton Will Help, 'Sex Up' Tsunami Victims
Former President Bill Clinton was named official head of the tsunami rebuilding today by U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan, who said in a statement that "no one's wang could possibly be better qualified for this task," which will encompass both rebuilding the disaster-torn South Asian region as well as granting valuable morale-boosting sexual gratification to those requiring it.
Clinton accepted the nomination gracefully and ambitiously, announcing his intentions to bring the skills he learned in the White House to the task.
"I'll be sort of a superhero, in a way," he said. "Bill Clinton by day, stacking bricks and putting floors in; and Tsunami Bill-Ami by night, washing over lonely women -- and men, if duty calls -- with a tsunami of a different kind. A different sexual kind."
Clinton was encouraged to the task by former President George H.W. Bush, who expressed regret that he couldn't do more himself.
"My stallion days are long behind me," he said sadly, "by which I mean they never existed at all. But Bill's still got what he takes. That fella could put a hole through the wall and keep on going, like some kind of Energizer Sex Rabbit, or whatever that whatnot is."
The earthquake that triggered the tsunamis that washed over 12 nations measured a 9.0 on the Richter scale, a figure that Clinton shrugged off as "not that great."
"Nothing against that tsunami, because I'm sure he tried his best and he might have come from a home that made it hard for him to believe in himself, but I personally am aiming for a 12.0 on the Richter scale. Higher, probably, depending on if they have McDonald's down there or not."
When asked if such a mighty quake, presumably caused by Clinton's sexual prowess, could do more harm than good to the beleaguered region, the former President shrugged.
"That's not really my job anymore, to think about stuff like that," he said. "What I can tell you is that the decibel level in that region around three in the morning is going to be higher than what most aircraft carriers emit on takeoff."
Republicans immediately contested the nomination, charging that Clinton is once again up to his old tricks.
"Helping people," scoffed House speaker Dennis Hastert, shaking his head in disgust. "That is so like Bill Clinton."
President Bush was reportedly considered as a possible candidate for the rebuilding, but was eventually dismissed due to his "general disinterest" in helping the region.
"God damn, I already gave you people $10,000 of my own personal money, right from my savings account that I've been holding for years!" he shouted angrily. "Do you know how hard I had to work to get all that?"
As The EV went to press, the majority of the American public was reportedly scrambling to find a way to cause a U.S. tsunami in a desperate attempt to get some attention from Clinton.
"Come back, Bill," sobbed one New Jersey Democrat, furiously throwing large rocks into the ocean. "Come back."