Iraqis Given Napkin Stating That U.S. Is Returning Power To Them
In a surprise move designed to avoid potential insurgent attacks and "just give everyone a nice Monday morning thrill," the United States transferred the power to govern Iraq to its own citizens this morning, two days earlier than the initially announced date.
The ceremony, which was done in private with high amounts of security, reportedly consisted of Paul Bremer, the civil administrator for Iraq, writing "Now you are running your own country all by yourselves!" on a napkin and issuing it to President Ghazi al-Yawer, who accepted it "warily".
"You're sure this grants us our independence from all U.S. operations?" he said skeptically.
"Sure it does!" a beaming Bremer replied as other various U.S. officials made loud snorting sounds and covered their faces. "Now you can do things however you want – like a big boy!"
Al-Yawer then asked if all important transactions in the United States were done on napkins, to which Bremer replied, "Of course."
"We won't bother you, I promise!" he said, holding up his hand in an exaggerated oath-stance. "You get to run the whole country, and we'll just stay here and watch."
Indeed, although the U.S. military will still remain in the country in "strong force", and the various security checkpoints, tanks, and other examples of the U.S. military presence which have become staples of Iraqi life will continue to exist, Bremer insisted in a prior interview that Iraq will be "its own country."
"We'll remain there purely for military assistance, and to supervise the piping of that sweet, sweet oil," he said, beginning to salivate. "Oh…oil…"
President Bush agreed, stating in a press conference that "Iraqis finally have their country back."
"Iraq, I have a present for you," Bush said into the cameras, smiling. "It's you. I'm giving yourself back to yourself. Just let me keep using you for a little while to make sure you're everything you want yourself to be."
In addition to granting Iraq control of itself again, Bremer also gave al-Yawer a "magical calling wand" that he claimed would summon the U.S. to Iraq's aid whenever necessary.
"Whenever you want us to come, just wave your special wand and we'll help you out!" he said.
"But won't you be here the whole time?" al-Yawer asked.
"Yes," Bremer admitted.
The new Iraqi President considered this for a moment, then asked, "And can I wave the wand to make you go away?"
At this, Bremer's face turned sour. "No," he said crossly. "The wand doesn't work that way."
Back in the U.S., Presidential candidate John Kerry said he "strongly opposed" the move, explaining that "all kinds of bad things" that could potentially happen as a result.
"This is just another example of the President misleading the public," he said, somewhat strangely seeming to insinuate that the transfer of power did not really happen. "Bad economy, too much debt, Iraq's in trouble, I'm a Vietnam vet!"