Iraqi Insurgents On Possible Amnesty: 'We'd Totally Stop Attacking So Much'
The idea of offering amnesty to select Iraqi insurgents as a way to curtail insurgent attacks, first raised by the Iraqi government, is now an idea being discussed by U.S. officials as well, delighting the thousands of insurgents currently in Iraq and causing many to swear that they'd "totally stop attacking" if they were offered amnesty.
"I know we've had our differences in this past -- like when I pretended to be a wounded civilian on the side of the road so I could shoot an Iraqi policeman in the face -- but this time I'm not trying to trick anyone," said one insurgent, smiling sincerely. "If I was offered a way to get away with my crimes with absolutely no repercussions, I would definitely stop committing them and never go back."
"The only reason I attack in the first place is because I know I'll be punished for it!" said another insurgent. "If that idea of punishment was taken away, my motivation would be gone, seriously."
"I don't know about you two guys, but I'd just feel awful continuing my attacks if I was being offered amnesty," said a third insurgent to the first two, who nodded sympathetically and murmured, "Oh, totally." "I mean, I'd be thinking of suicide bombing another building, and a U.S. soldier would stop me on the street and say, 'Hey, I heard you bombed some buildings before. Please don't do it again.' And I'd be like, 'Wow. I don't think I will.'"
If amnesty was granted, says Iraq's minister for national security, Abdul Karim al-Inizi, reasonable talks with the insurgents could begin so that a good compromise could be reached in a peaceful manner.
"When you look at why the insurgents are attacking, it's because they want some very simple things that maybe we could give them if they would just talk to us," he said. "Like, maybe we could let Saddam back out and make the U.S. go home, and they would stop throwing grenades at my car."
Al-Inizi and other Iraqi officials also believe that the amnesty would deter future potential insurgents, who would see the peaceful political process as a viable alternative to their prospective lives of crime.
"Why would an angry young Sunni, convinced he was in a holy war, follow the encouragement of his religion and peers and suicide bomb a building when he could be hashing out his differences in the intense world of democracy?" al-Inizi said enthusiastically. "Debates are fast and furious on the political floor, and real change can come as early as two years into the future. It's like the legal form of suicide bombing!"
U.S. officials, such as Pentagon Spokesman Lt. Col. Barry Venable, emphasize that the amnesty would not be granted to all insurgents, such as the infamous Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, who is believed to be behind several of the fiercest and deadliest insurgent attacks.
"We would definitely draw the line with al-Zarqawi," he said. "Too many people know his name and we would look bad."
Venable was also quick to point out to those fearing that known killers would essentially be going unpunished that insurgents would "face justice".
"Justice will be served, and people will have justice," he said. "And freedom."
President Bush, who less than two years ago infamously told insurgents who were planning attacks in Iraq to "bring them on", says he stands by his statement.
"What I said still holds true," he said firmly. "Bring those attacks on, and we'll give you amnesty."