Zarqawi Claims Responsibility For Bomb Dropped In Bathroom
Abu Mussab al-Zarqawi, Jordanian-born terrorist mastermind who recently declared allegiance to Osama bin Laden and whose militant group is suspected in numerous killings and terror attacks in Iraq, has claimed responsibility for a bomb dropped in a Baghdad bathroom today that offended at least seven.
The terrorist, who has a $25M bounty on his head, allegedly left quite a bounty in the toilet bowl on Monday morning before recording a statement declaring the unification of Tawhid wal Jihad (United and Holy War) and al-Qaeda terrorist organizations.
"Yeah, that was me -- sorry about that one," said al-Zarqawi as he emerged from the smoldering ruins. "Wheeeew! Besides detonating a pack of C-4 strapped to your chest while standing in the middle of a group of innocent civilians and peacekeepers, there isn't a better feeling than sitting on a warm toilet seat and squeezing one off the size of a car bomb."
The authenticity of his claim could not be determined by an independent source, nor could anyone within al-Zarqawi's terrorist organization safely enter the stall for the half-hour following the fecal bombing.
"Two of the lions from the Martyrdom-seeking Brigade [suicide bombers] were nearly prematurely sacrificed for the greater good when they entered the men's room before someone had a chance to spray some Lysol through the air or light a match," said Burayd Faqir, spokesperson for the military wing of the Tawhid wal Jihad. "They probably would've gotten to paradise anyway just because it's such a terrible way to go and Allah would have pity on them, but it doesn't exactly hurt the Great Satan to have our own men killed by the excrement of their leader."
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has already leapt on Faqir's statement, suggesting that perhaps the new war on terror could be fought not with fatigued armies wielding weapons, but shit.
"We could mobilize an army of fast-shitting all-Americans to literally stink al-Qaeda and other terrorists to death," he said, excitedly eating a can of prunes. "I mean, we could still shoot them and everything, just to show them who is boss, but still!"
President Bush endorsed this plan at a campaign rally.
"Can John Kerry supply enough shit to smother terrorists to death?" he asked supporters. "I don't think so. Me and my administration, like no other administration before us, have what it takes to supply the shit necessary to eradicate the terrorists out of existence."
Meanwhile, anti-war activists cited both the latest bombing and Rumsfeld's plan as more evidence that Iraq is a growing quagmire.
"How much more shit do the Iraqis have to put up with from both terrorists and the US before they can truly have a peaceful way of life?" asked one protester. "This is just another Vietnam all over again. In fact --"
The protester then excused himself due to "shitting of my own".
Witnessing the violent backlash his bomb has caused, al-Zarqawi has vowed more bathroom bombings if the US and what remains of its allies does not depart from Iraq.
"We have access to burritos!" he warned. "The Great Satan must leave or be overwhelmed by the fetid waste that they have helped create!"
Caught in the middle of a bloody, shitty war, Iraqi citizens can only bemoan their fate, and wonder what is to come.
"Shit over here, shit over there, and every day, I worry that the shit will come to my own house," said one woman dejectedly. "Shit, I hate this shit."