Bulgaria And Ukraine Withdraw Troops From Iraq; US Totally Fucked Now
Two allies of the US in the war in Iraq, Bulgaria and the Ukraine, have formally announced that they are withdrawing troops from the embattled country, which, analysts say, has now totally fucked the American occupation of the Middle East nation. The withdraw of approximately 1,250 troops between the two countries is being seen as clear evidence that the U.S. is basically screwed and should just fucking give up right now.
"The U.S. is up shit creek without a canoe, and the U.N. is like a prom queen on Saturday night (i.e. fucked) so we are withdrawing our forces – roughly the same number of U.S. personnel it takes to send a fax – out of the war-torn country right this very minute," " said Ukraine President Viktor Uchenko. "Sorry, United States. You just lost the war."
While U.S. forces captured over 30 insurgents in a raid a few days ago, the withdraw of multi-national troops signals the death-knell of freedom for the Iraqi people. Citizens of Iraq, concerned about the removal of vital troops from important peacekeeping duties, collectively asked, "Bulgaria? Is that in South America? You mean they're occupying us too? Quick, bombers to Sofia, stat!"
In light of the actions by Bulgaria and the Ukraine, other nations have begun discussing possible troop pullouts. Kazakhstan used the situation to reminded U.S. forces that it has one whole troop deployed to Iraq by threatening to withdraw him from the country.
"It is time that occupational forces give control of the country over to the Iraqi people," said Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev, "and by withdrawing our nation's troop from Iraq, Iraqi security forces will now have to learn how to order their own goddamn coffee."
Poland, Italy, Spain, Estonia, the Netherlands and other allies have suggested that a reduction in troops, or complete withdraw, is forthcoming. However, the United States was quick to point out that support from other allies such as Britain, Slovakia, Monaco, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, Gaul and Carthage is undiminished despite setbacks in progress.
"The United States and her allies remain committed to the extended occupation of Iraq," said White House spokesperson Scott McClellan. "Our multi-national force, which enjoys support from Tony Blair, Vincente Fox, Kings Henrys I-VIII and Napoleon, is part of a long world history of military campaigns that, in the hands of tactical geniuses, always ends in victory. Take Waterloo as a prime example…, no, the Russian campaign… no, how about… Hannibal crossing the Alps… uh, how about 'stay the course'. God bless America."
U.S. commanders have been quick to play down the potential loss of ground strength of forces in Iraq.
"I didn't even know that Denmark had troops in country," said General George Casey, commander of armed forces in Iraq. "Sure, we'll miss them and all their high jinks, along with alleged troops from the Netherlands, South Korea and Azerbaijan, but we may have just accidentally enlisted the blow-up dolls those countries sent our troops for Christmas gifts last year, so it's no skin off our backs to see them go."
Bulgaria and the Ukraine have both defended their actions, and say that withdrawing troops from the battle-ravaged warfront is the best way to bring about peace and also remind the world that nations deployed troops to the front in the first place. As U.S. armed forces receive the brunt of insurgent attacks, the multi-national presence is scrambling for media attention and seems to have found it by threatening to depart.
"Though the sacrifices made by Bulgarian troops in the War on Terror has gone unnoticed by the American and World Press, we intend to make our withdraw from Iraq as big a spectacle as possible," said Bulgarian president Georgi Paranov. "It's not whether you win or lose the battle, it's how you bow out."