Protesters Profoundly Influence G8 Leaders, Change World
As leaders from all of the nations of the world that are rich and cool enough descended upon Scotland to talk about important issues, protesters gathered outside of the resort that they will be staying in, determined to influence the leaders in some way by vigorously shouting and holding clever signs.
The agendas varied from protester to protester, ranging from global poverty to the war in Iraq to stopping the neighbor's cats from fucking ruining the garden. But what surprised many about these particular protests is their effectiveness; the G8 leaders unanimously agreed to address and fix every single problem mentioned.
"I've been protesting to make a difference for a long time, but to be honest I never thought it would actually work," admitted one man, holding a sign demanding that leaders "FEED ALL THE HUNGRY PEOPLE NOW". "But when [British Prime Minister] Tony Blair personally came up to me, pointed to my sign, and said, 'You got it, friend,' everything I've done became validated."
"I always had [U.S. President] George W. Bush pegged as a pretty thickheaded guy, but all that changed when he heard my angry shouting about getting the hell out of Iraq," said another enthusiastically, putting his arm around the President, who was sitting nearby and laughing knowingly. "He told me, 'You know what? We will pull out. Today.'"
"What can I say?" Bush chimed in, chuckling and giving his new friend a good-natured noogie. "I'm a sucker for a passionate fella in a tye-dye shirt."
Other issues the world leaders agreed to fix include destroying their nuclear weapons ("Hell, we don't need them!" said Russian President Vladmir Putin), Africa ("I guess it is about time we fix that," admitted German Chancellor Gerhard Schröder), and ceasing globalization ("After today, we'll never speak to each other again!" vowed French Head of State President Jacques Chirac, adding that the Internet would soon be destroyed).
"The world's issues fixed," surmised one protester wistfully, "and all it took was our nation's leaders listening to us, the protesters."
But what do the leaders and protesters alike say to critics, who say that such idealistic approaches to addressing issues will not fix problems, and in fact create new ones? President Bush has an answer.
"These protesters illustrated an important point that I think we should all pay attention to: when you just stop being mean and solve problems, it's easy," he said. "The only people that can't understand that are those who hate peace and goodness."
"You would say that, fascist!" shouted one protester unexpectedly. "Give hatred a chance for once in your happy life!"
"Hey, yeah," said another. "You happy-go-lucky world leaders sit in your chairs and think you can solve everything by being nice and forgiving debts and destroying weapons. It's time to live in reality!"
"WAIT," shouted yet another protester as those around him began shouting angrily as well. "WAIT FOR ME TO CHANGE MY SIGN."
Police then banned the demonstration.
"That's it, you're not allowed to protest anymore," said one chief, adding with satisfaction, "And that's the last we'll be hearing of that."