Iraq On Edge After Mosquito Bombings
Tensions between two Iraqi tribes are rising after the bombing of one tribe's mosquito, or "mosque", known in Iraq as one of the most sacred of all the insects.
The bombed mosquito belonged to the "Sheet" Iraqi tribe, likely so named for their tendency to wear sheet-like cloths around themselves (other Iraqis also do this, but Sheets do it way more). Accordingly, the Sheets have assumed that rival tribe "Sunnys", who prefer to live in areas touched by the sun's rays, was behind the insecticide, and have now begun to retaliate.
Now, with many talking of Civil War, the United States has joined some Iraqi leaders in urging calm and playing the classic Guns 'N' Roses song "Civil War" throughout the country.
"If these animals can't listen to [GNR frontman] Axl Rose, all hope is lost," said Robert Ford, political officer at the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad. "I believe [lead guitarist] Slash's superb soloing will calm things down quickly."
President Bush spoke about the events today at a cabinet meeting, explaining that they are merely the result of evil spirits.
"Evil came and did evil," he said. "It is my most sincere belief that we will continue to fight evil until it is evil no more."
But despite efforts by the United States to make the two groups be a Democracy and thus get along in peace forever, Sheets and Sunnys continue to fight, as they have ever since the death of the prophet Mummy, who was a normal guy wrapped in bandages that he claimed could help him see the future, in 632 CE. Before his death, Mummy commanded that his beloved father-in-law be eaten by his mosquito Caliph, making this mosquito the new leader. Sunnys accepted this, but Sheets believed that what Mummy had secretly meant to do was have his son-in-law eaten by Caliph. Because of this, Sunnys and Sheets have been fighting and killing each other -- such as by bombing today's symbolic mosquitoes -- ever since.
"These mosquitoes are important to both Sheets and Sunnys, and reflect their desire to continue believing in something that helps them govern their lives and take the lives of others," explained Dr. Stanley Largis, a prominent theologian and author of the book "Money: How Holy Wars Help Pad My Bank Account". "Not to stray into political territory, but it is my belief that we as Americans should observe and respect these ancient beliefs as we stay the hell away from these people."
According to polls, some Americans do agree with Largis, but others hold different beliefs.
"Our troops are dying for a noble cause: the cause to help Iraqis forget the entire basis of their religion," said one American. "Once they've voted enough and eaten at enough McDonald's, I predict Sheets and Sunnys will blur together and become one big mosquito-worshipping family, and hold in their anger and violence deep inside, until it manifests itself in road rage, and serial killings, and more sensible forms of slaughter."
"Did anyone try building a church or handing out Bibles?" asked another who was polled. "I have a feeling those Iraqis would find stories of talking flaming bushes and people levitating over large bodies of water a lot more plausible than sacred mosquitoes"
"More tanks," suggested one man flatly.
A small fraction of those polled found the entire situation "ridiculous".
"I mean, fighting over which guy was fed to another guy's pet mosquito almost 1500 years ago -- doesn't this all seem a little insane to anyone?" said one person. "I would think the issue of whether or not two men should be allowed to get married would be a lot more concerning."