Man's Missed Sexual Opportunities Occur As Often As Iraq Violence
Iraq's state of unrest -- and, according to some, civil war-like conditions -- finally hit home for Ft. Lauderdale, Florida resident John Rendler today, when, after yet another night of denied sexual intercourse from his girlfriend, he realized that he misses sex "about as often as a bomb goes off in Iraq".
The cock-blocked 22 year-old made the connection as he sat down to watch the news after a fresh rebuke by his allegedly tired girlfriend, hoping to catch a glimpse of "that one hot news anchor" to at least somewhat salvage his erection.
"I was trying to imagine her propping her legs up on the news desk to reveal that she had been doing the news naked from the waist down this whole time, but she kept cutting to clips of recent Iraq violence," Rendler described. "Suddenly, it hit me: those poor fuckers blow each other up at about the same rate that I keep getting turned down by Kristin."
It was a "sobering moment", Rendler added.
"Imagine my emotional frustration and constant blue-balling from having a girlfriend who apparently finds me to be some kind of mutant who is only acceptable to fuck once, maybe twice a month," he said, tears in his eyes. "Now imagine that pain, but every day and happening to your whole country. That's what's happening right now in Iraq, man. Those poor bastards."
Compounding the problem for the Iraqi citizens, says Rendler, is the fact that, like him, they may be actually going without sexual intercourse due to the violence surrounding them.
"I wouldn't think there'd be a whole lot of time for sex with your neighbors trying to kill you," he said, adding bitterly, "I ought to send Kristin over there. She wouldn't give a shit."
Once a "vague Republican", Rendler now identifies with Democrats and the few Republicans calling for a cessation to U.S. involvement in Iraq, and has even taken his message to the streets, finding a political streak he only discovered by not getting any action for over two fucking weeks.
"How many of you got laid in the last 18 days?" he shouted through a bullhorn at passersby at a local mall. "Wouldn't you be pissed if you hadn't? Well that's my life, ladies and gentlemen, and that's how the Iraqis feel right about now."
"Oh," said one of dozens of suddenly-interested men, looking sick. "Oh Jesus, I had no idea."
By the day's end, over 13,000 men had joined Rendler's cause. They say that although a U.S. withdrawal would not immediately ease the situation in Iraq, it would possibly cut down on insurgent attacks stemming from anger at U.S. presence, allowing for more chances to score.
"We're not saying that a U.S. withdrawal is going to lead to feelings of satisfaction or orgies around the country," said Gil Handley, a new recruit, "but we do think that rare moments of fuckery in between civil war riots could occur, and that in time, these encounters could have an 'echo' effect throughout the country, eventually leading to some kind of peace, and at the very least, resumed regular sexual activity."
Although he has been asked repeatedly about his own plight, Rendler selflessly campaigns mostly for the Iraqis, putting his own deficient sex life second.
"I figure, at least I have a nice internet connection," he said. "A lot of these Iraqis, they don't even have electricity to power a computer to help themselves out. All they have is their imaginations, and I would think they'd mostly only be able to think up sexy bombs or something."
The interview ended prematurely when a girl in moderately tight clothing walked by, causing Rendler to burst into tears and pull on his hair.