Israel: Excessive Violence and Deadly Force is Going to Work This Time
A spokesperson for Israeli President Shimon Peres said at a news conference today that, despite past failures, Israel's use of excessive force, brutality and overwhelming firepower is finally going to work to bring peace to the region.
The statement comes as the Israeli army continues to fire rockets and mortar shells into southern Israel, despite receiving a text message from the U.N. reading "plz stop this thx".
"Though [violence] has often failed us in the past, we are confident that plenty of missiles and civilian casualties are the best way to a lasting peace with Hamas," said a government spokesperson. "While cease fires, peace talks and appeasement have all proven fruitless, we now realize that destruction of property and all-out war on civilian centers will bring about stability in the region."
"For real this time," he added.
Despite claims from military analysis that similar tactics in the past have stoked Palestinian resentment and encouraged further acts of violence on both sides, Peres' government remains confident in what they are calling "encouraging mathematical odds".
"We've tried [ultra-violent military solutions] so many times before with little success that, by the law of averages, this time is surely going to be the one that brings about peace between the Zionist state and her Palestinian neighbors," said Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak. "To the U.N. and the rest who are calling for a cease-fire, we say, try opening a math book sometime, you idiots."
Hamas, for its part, has also rejected the idea of a cease-fire, claiming that such a move would interfere with its goal of "making everyone realize that they love each other."
"We actually inscribe a peaceful message on many of our bullet casings and explosives," one Hamas military spokesperson explained. "They say things like 'Make love, not war,' and 'Someday, this will be a chocolate ammunition round for you to enjoy.' They're just cute sayings that we hope will inspire an end to all this violence, once and for all."
Although this most recent skirmish has been active since December of 2008, tensions in the region can be traced much farther back; some experts believe the trouble first began hundreds of millions of years ago, when two dinosaurs began a battle over some territory in what is now Israel. Those dinosaurs eventually evolved into what are now angry Israelis and Palestinians.
Some have suggested that the advent of a time machine could be used to preemptively stop the fighting before it even began, but Israel is quick to dismiss such notions as "fanciful".
"The idea of traveling back in time to solve our current problems is ridiculous," Israeli Deputy Defense Minister Matan Vilnai said. "If anything, we would use a time machine to ensure that our military forces in the present had plenty of resources to buy better weapons."
Vilani further speculated that perhaps this could be facilitated by bringing a modern day sports almanac back in time to give to himself, then instructing himself to bet on games he knew the outcomes of. Time will tell if his strategy proves fruitful.